The Joke Thread
| Good [+1]Toggle ReplyLink» Toltech replied on Sun Oct 12, 2003 @ 9:31pm |
 Coolness: 145375 | A woman took an inexperienced man home one night.
When they got to her apartment, she suggested that they try a 69. "What do you mean?" he asked. Not knowing quite how to explain, she said, "You put your head between my legs and I'll put my head between your legs." Still unsure but willing, he agreed. As soon as he got his head between her legs, she let out a rip roaring fart. "What the hell was that?!! he asked. "OOPS! I'm sorry! Let's try again", she said. On the second attempt the very same thing happened. He immediately got up and started getting dressed. "Where are you going?" she asked. The man replied, "If you think I'm sticking around for 67 more of those, you're crazy!!" |
| Good [+1]Toggle ReplyLink» Toltech replied on Sun Oct 12, 2003 @ 9:48pm |
| Coolness: 145375 | A cop was patrolling at night and headed for a place well known to the kids for "doing the nasty" there.
He notices a couple in a parked car, with the interiror lights on. He gets near the car and sees a young man sitting at the wheels, reading a computer related magazine and a young girl sitting on the back seat, knitting. Curious of that funny situation, he approaches and knocks on the window. The young man rolls down the window... -Yes, officer? -What are you kids doing here? -Well...I'm reading a magazine! and while pointing at the young girl... -And what about her, what's she doing? The young man shrugs, -I think she's knitting a shirt! The cop felt completly confused. A young couple, alone, in a car at night......and nothing immoral's going on! -How old are you, young man? -I'm 22 years old sir... -And her, how old is she? The young man takes a look at his watch and answers: -She'll be 18 in twenty minutes... |
| Good [+1]Toggle ReplyLink» Screwhead replied on Thu Oct 23, 2003 @ 6:53pm |
 Coolness: 685545 | A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman "Give me six double vodkas."
The barman says "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day." "Yeah, I've just found out my older brother is gay." The next day the same guy came into the bar and placed the same order for drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I just found out that my younger brother is gay too!" On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas. The bartender said "Damn! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?" "Yeah, my wife." |
| Good [+1]Toggle ReplyLink» lakester replied on Mon Oct 27, 2003 @ 1:08pm |
 Coolness: 59635 | A man is sitting in a bar when a leprechaun walks in. "Oh my god!" He shouts. "I found a leprechaun! Now you have to give me a wish!"
The tiny man looks him over and says in his tiny Irish voice "Oh, laddy, I'm sorry to disappoint you, but I have to fuck you in the ass before I can give ye yar wish!" The man sits and thinks about it, and realizes that one night of debauchery and sodomy is certainly worth whatever he wants. The takes him back to his apartment where he recieves a night of vicious ass-pounding. After the night of love-making ended, the man says. "Wow. I can't believe I get a free wish!" to which his short companion replies "I can't believe you thought I was a leprechaun." |
| Good [+1]Toggle ReplyLink» lakester replied on Mon Oct 27, 2003 @ 1:10pm |
| Coolness: 59635 | A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior. She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?" He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you... the guy I loaned my costume to sure had a real good time! |
| Good [+1]Toggle ReplyLink» flatlinedive replied on Mon Nov 10, 2003 @ 8:05pm |
 Coolness: 63860 | this isn't really a joke, it's just funny
THIS IS SOME KIND OF CHILI CONTEST The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast: Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The Judge #3 called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted." Here are the scorecards from the event: Chili # 1 (Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili) Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick. Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild. Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy. > > > > Chili # 2 (Arthur's Afterburner Chili) > > > > Judge #1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang. > > > > Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken > seriously. > > > > Judge # 3-- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure > > what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two > > people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush > > in more beer > > when they saw the look on my face. > > > > Chili # 3 (Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili) > > > > Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more > > beans. > > > > Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers. > > > > Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose > > feels > like > > I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get > > me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my > > backbone is > in > > the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all of the > > beer. > > > > Chili# 4 (Bubba's Black Magic) > > > > Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing. > > > > Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for > > fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili. > > > > Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was > > unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, > > the > > barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That > > 300-lb. bitch > > is starting to look HOT... just like this nuclear > > waste I'm eating! Is > > chili an aphrodisiac? > > > > Chili # 5 (Linda's Legal Lip Remover) > > > > Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, > > adding considerable kick. Very impressive. > > > > Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must > > admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement. > > > > Judge # 3 -- My earsare ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead > > and I > can > > no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed > > paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her > > chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding > > by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm > > burning my lips > off. > > It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop > > screaming. Screw those rednecks. > > > > Chili # 6 (Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety) > > > > Judge # 1 --Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of > > spices and peppers. > > > > Judge # 2 --The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and > > garlic. Superb. > > > > Judge #3-- I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat > > through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except > > that slut > Sally. > > She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I > > need to wipe my ass with a snow cone. > > > > Chili # 7 (Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili) > > > > Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned > > peppers. > > > > Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can > > of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am > > worried > > about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as > > he is cursing > > uncontrollably. > > > > Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and > > I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world > > sounds > like > > it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which > > slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit > > to > > match > my > > shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll > > know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too > > painful. > Screw > > it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck > > it > in > > through the 4-inch hole in my stomach. > > Chili # 8 (Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili) Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence. Judge #2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out,fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili? |
| Good [+1]Toggle ReplyLink» lakester replied on Fri Nov 14, 2003 @ 7:55pm |
| Coolness: 59635 | Q: How many Canadians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Twelve. Four to form a Parliamentary study committee to decide how to solve the problem, one Francophone to complain that I didn't translate this joke into French, one Native Canadian to protest that the interests of Native Canadians have been overlooked, one woman from the National Action Committee On the Status Of Women to say that women have been underrepresented in the process, one to go over the border to the Niagara Falls Factory Outlet Mall and buy a new bulb and not pay duty on it on the way back, one to actually screw it in, one to collect taxes on the whole procedure so the government can afford it, one to buy a case of Molson for everybody to drink, and one to drop the puck. |
| Good [+1]Toggle ReplyLink» Screwhead replied on Sun Nov 16, 2003 @ 6:19am |
| Coolness: 685545 | Mum comes to visit her son for 3 days in London where he is studying. She finds out that her son lives with Vicki, a young female roommate. Mum couldn't help but notice how pretty her son's roommate was. She suspects a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious.
Reading his mum's thoughts, the son volunteered... "Mum, I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Vicki and I are just roommates." About a week later, Vicki came to the son saying... "Ever since your mother left, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it do you?" "Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying that you "did" take the sugar bowl from my house, I'm not saying that you "did not" take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you left and went back home. Your loving Son." Several days later, he received an email from his Mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Vicki, I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now." ********** A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window saying: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer." A short time afterwards, a golden retriever dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to be good with a computer." The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs and produced a sample spreadsheet and database and presented them to the manager. By this time the manager was totally dumbfounded! He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I *still* can't give you the job." The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the part about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said, "Yes, but the sign *also* says that you have to be bilingual." The dog looked at him straight in the face and said, "Meow." |
| Good [+1]Toggle ReplyLink» Toltech replied on Thu Nov 20, 2003 @ 12:46pm |
| Coolness: 145375 | CHINESE PROVERBS
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man who run in front of car get tired. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man who run behind car get exhausted. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man with one chopstick go hungry. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man who eat many prunes get good run for money. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Panties not best thing on earth! but next to best thing on earth. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man who drive like hell, bound to get there. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man who stand on toilet is high on pot. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man who fart in church sit in own pew. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Crowded elevator smell different to midget. |
| Good [+1]Toggle ReplyLink» Toltech replied on Thu Nov 20, 2003 @ 1:04pm |
| Coolness: 145375 | Overjoyed, a guy starts his first day on the job at a brewery. But to the foreman's dismay, the man falls into a vat of beer and drowns! since nobody knew the man, the foreman thought he should be the one to tell the poor man's wife about the tragedy.
The foreman goes to the man's house and knocks on the door. When the man's wife opens the door, the foreman tells her about the tragic accident. The woman starts to cry. "Oh well, at least it was quick and painless," she says. To which the forman replies "painless yes, but I don't know about quick. He got out three times to pee." |
| Good [+1]Toggle ReplyLink» Toltech replied on Mon Dec 1, 2003 @ 12:04am |
| Coolness: 145375 | Pirate walks into a bar with ships wheel stuck to his privates.
Bartender says "Hey Captain...You know you got a ships wheel attached to yer dick?" Pirate says, "Aye. It's driving me nuts." |
| Good [+1]Toggle ReplyLink» Toltech replied on Wed Dec 3, 2003 @ 1:02am |
| Coolness: 145375 | Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. "In honour of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle," he said. "You may pass through the pearly gates," Saint Peter said. The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells." Saint Peter said, "you may pass through the pearly gates." The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?" The man replied, "They're Carol's." |
| Good [+1]Toggle ReplyLink» soyfunk replied on Wed Dec 3, 2003 @ 1:09am |
 Coolness: 126725 | vegetarian; indian word for lousy hunter |
| Good [+1]Toggle ReplyLink» Toltech replied on Mon Dec 8, 2003 @ 2:02am |
| Coolness: 145375 | President Dubya was awakened one night by an urgent call from the Pentagon.
"Mr. President," said the four-star general, barely able to contain himself, "there's good news & bad news." "Oh, no," muttered the President, "Well, let me have the bad news first." "The bad news, sir, is that we've been invaded by creatures from another planet." "Gosh, and the good news?" "The good news, sir, is that they eat reporters and pee oil." |
| Good [+1]Toggle ReplyLink» Toltech replied on Sat Dec 13, 2003 @ 4:12pm |
| Coolness: 145375 | An elderly man walked into a confessional booth. The following conversation ensued:
Man: "I am 82 years old, and have a wonderful wife of 60 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. For some reason, they thought I was kind of interesting. One thing led to another, and we ended up at a motel, where I had sex with each of them twice." Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?" Man: "What sins?" Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?" Man: "I'm Jewish." Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?" Man: "I'm telling everybody!" |
| Good [+1]Toggle ReplyLink» Toltech replied on Sat Dec 13, 2003 @ 4:22pm |
| Coolness: 145375 | Three tortoises, Troy, Andy and Wayne, decide to go on a picnic.
Troy packs the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches. The trouble is that the picnic site is ten miles away so it takes them ten days to get there. When they get there, Troy unpacks the food and beer. "Ok Wayne give me the bottle opener" "I didn't bring it" says Wayne "I thought you packed it" Troy gets worried, He turns to Andy, "Did you bring the bottle opener?" Naturally Andy didn't bring it. So they're stuck ten miles from home without a bottle opener. Troy and Andy beg Wayne to go back for it. But he refuses as he says they will eat all the sandwiches. After two hours, and after they have sworn on their tortoise lives that they will not eat the sandwiches, he finally agrees. So Wayne sets off down the road at a steady pace. 20 days pass and he still isn't back and Troy and Andy are starving, but a promise is a promise. Another 5 days and he still isn't back, but a promise is a promise. Finally they can't take it any longer so they take out a sandwich each, and just as they are about to eat them, Wayne pops up from behind a rock and shouts, "I knew it! ... I'm not fucking going!" |
| Good [+1]Toggle ReplyLink» Toltech replied on Sat Dec 13, 2003 @ 4:26pm |
| Coolness: 145375 | There was an old gal wandering around the supermarket calling out, "Crisco, Cri-i-i-i sssssssco!"
Soon a store clerk approached. "Ma'am, the Crisco is in aisle D." The old lady replied, "Oh, I'm not looking for the cooking stuff, I am calling my husband" "Your husband's name is Crisco?" The old woman answered, "Oh, no, no, no. I only call him that when we're out in public." "Well, what do you call him when you are at home?" "Lard ass." I shouldn't laugh since I'm tubby myself but hey, humour's humour hehehehe! |
| Good [+1]Toggle ReplyLink» Toltech replied on Sat Dec 13, 2003 @ 4:37pm |
| Coolness: 145375 | A guy was stopped by a policeman for speeding, and does a lot of pleading, trying to get out of the ticket. The policeman says "Okay, I'll ask you a question. If you answer correctly, I'll forget about the ticket!"
"Agreed!" answers the speeder. "You're driving at night, and two lights appear in front of you. What is it?" "That's easy! It's a car!" "Sure! But, what kind of car? Is it a Ford? Is it a Chevy? Is it a Saab, what?", says the policeman, and begins to write the ticket. "Wait! Give me another chance!" begs the guy. "Okay, but this is your last chance! You fail to answer - you get the ticket!" "Fair enough." "You're driving at night, and a light appears in front of you. What is it?" "That's easy! It's a motorcycle!" "Sure! But, what kind of bike? Is it a Honda? A Suzuki? Is it a Harley?" "How the hell should I know!" answered the guy, exasperatedly. "Sorry, you're getting the ticket!" responded the officer. "Yeah, well okay. But let me ask you a question too then." "Go ahead" "You see a bare breasted woman standing at the curve, bargaining with clients, what is it?" asks the guy. "Oh, that's easy!" replies the officer. "It's a hooker!" "Sure! But, what kind of hooker? Is it your mother? Is it your sister? Is it your daughter?" |
| Good [+1]Toggle ReplyLink» Toltech replied on Sat Dec 13, 2003 @ 10:24pm |
| Coolness: 145375 | In a small town, a man just opened a small store selling trumpets and guns. One day his neighbor pays him a visit and says: "So how is your strange business going?" "What do you mean strange?"
"Because you sell only trumpets and guns!" "So!" "Well, let me put it this way, what do you sell the most, trumpets or guns?" "It evens itself out, each time a customer buys a trumpet, one of his neighbors buys a gun!" |
| Good [+1]Toggle ReplyLink» Toltech replied on Sat Dec 13, 2003 @ 10:25pm |
| Coolness: 145375 | Q. How does Michael Jackson pick his nose?
A. From a catalogue. |
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