The Joke Thread
| Good [+1]Toggle ReplyLink» AlienZeD replied on Mon Nov 27, 2006 @ 11:21am |
 Coolness: 509515 | Way to keep healthy level of insanity in the workplace
1. Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.) 2. Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is a different gender than you are.) 3. While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in "Palmolive." 4. Put up mosquito netting around your cubicle. 5. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries with that. 6. Put your garbage can on your desk. Label it "IN." 7. Determine how many cups of coffee are "too many." 8. Put decaf in the coffeemaker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso. 9. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors." 10. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others. 11. When driving colleagues around insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep 'em tuned up." 12. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think?" 13. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a Parakeet. 14. Sit in the parking lot at lunchtime pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down. 15. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles". Update » AlienZeD wrote on Wed Nov 29, 2006 @ 2:12pm Hello, and welcome to the Mental Health Hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you. If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6. If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call. If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press. If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press-no-one will answer. If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969. If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line. If you have amnesia press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number and your mother's maiden name. If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000. If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you. Update » AlienZeD wrote on Mon Dec 11, 2006 @ 12:24pm A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd love to
be eight again." she replied. On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her off to the local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, every thing there was. Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. Right away, they journeyed to a McDonald's where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then it was off to the movies: the latest Star Wars epic, a hot dog, popcorn, all the Coke she could drink, and her favorite lolly and M&M's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, Well, Dear, what was it like being eight again?" Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "I meant my dress size!!!!!!! The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he's gonna get it wrong. |
| I'm feeling normal right now.. | |
| Good [+1]Toggle ReplyLink» Moana replied on Tue Dec 12, 2006 @ 2:57pm |
 Coolness: 39400 | ressuscitate the joke thread!
Old one, but shit it'S funny. Lil Old Lady A little old lady goes into the Chase Manhattan Bank, tells the teller that she has $5,000,000.00 in cash to be used to open an account. However, before she just hands over that much money, she would like to meet the man who runs things. The teller calls the bank president, and arranges the meeting. The lady goes into his office, and after introductions are made, the bank president asks the lady how she came to have so much cash on hand. The lady tells him that she's an avid gambler. The bank president says "You must be the luckiest person that I've ever met, to win so much!" "No" replies the lady, "I will only bet on a sure thing, and since I am somewhat gifted with the ability to see the future, ALL of my bets are sure things." The bank president smiles and says "No, it must be luck madam. There is no such thing as a sure thing". "I'll prove it!" says the lady. She then closes her eyes and starts to hum softly for about 30 seconds. "O.K...I have looked into your future and I'm afraid there's bad news. By 8:00 a.m tomorrow, your testicles will have changed shape and will be perfectly square." The bank president is starting to think this lady is nuts, so he tells her that he has no more time for this malarky and he would like for her to leave. The lady refuses, and proposes a wager. The man declines until the old lady says "Look, I'll bet you $5,000.00 that by 8:00 tomorrow morning, your testicles will be square! What have you got to lose? You claim I can't win - there's no such thing as A sure thing...right?" By this the bank pres. is really starting to dislike this old broad, and not only would he enjoy teaching her a lesson, he could use the $5K. "O.K fine!" he yells "You got a bet!". "Wonderful!" proclaims the lady, "I'll see you 1st thing tomorrow. Do you mind if my attorney accompanies me? I always have him present for wagers over $500.00." The man replies "Lady, I don't care who you bring, as long as you bring the money!" That night the bank president has some strange dreams, and what the lady said is really starting to get to him. The next morning, he's greatly releaved to see that everything is the same shape as always. He dresses, and goes to the bank where he finds the lady and a man waiting for him. "Well" says the lady, "Do you want to have the money deposited into my new account, or do you have cash?" The bank pres. smiles and replies "I feel bad doing this, but nutty old dames like you need to be taught a lesson sometimes, and I know that you can afford it, so it is you that must pay. You see, my testicles are the same shape they've always been. Not the slightest bit square." "What!" cries the lady, "That can't be!! I never imagined that it would come to this, but I won't pay one cent until I've examined the testicles myself!" The bank pres. blushes with embarrassment, but finally replies "Under the circumstances, I suppose that's not unreasonable" and with that he drops his pants. The lady gets on her knees to grasp him, and her attorney screams "DAMMIT YOU OLD BAT!! YOU'VE DONE IT TO ME AGAIN!!" and he hands her $15,000.00 in cash. At this point the bank president is completely lost. "What in the hell was that all about?" he asks. "Oh," says the lady as she carefully puts the money into her bag "I bet him that I would literally have the president of the Chase Manhattan Bank by the balls before 9:00 this morning. So here's the $5,000.00 that I lost to you, and please add the other $10,000.00 to my new account" |
| I'm feeling academic right now.. | |
| Good [+1]Toggle ReplyLink» AlienZeD replied on Tue Dec 12, 2006 @ 3:02pm |
| Coolness: 509515 | that's pretty good. not so much funny as it is clever though Update » AlienZeD wrote on Fri Dec 15, 2006 @ 2:23pm A panda bear walks into a restaurant and orders a meal. After eating he pulls out a gun, shoots the place to the ground, and runs away. Quickly the bartender runs after him yelling, "HEY YOU CAN'T DO THIS!!!" The panda turns around and yells "Yes I can. Look me up in the encyclopedia!" So, the bartender looks up "Panda" in the encyclopedia, and it reads "Panda: increasingly rare species of bear that can be found in the eastern part of Asia. It eats shoots and leaves.”
How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? One. But the light bulb has got to want to change. Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office. "Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff." "We're short-handed, Smith," the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off." "Thanks, boss," says Smith, "I knew I could count on you!" Late one night a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into a path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs "give me your money," he demanded. Indignant, the affluent man replied, "you can't do this – I am a United States congressman!" "In that case," replied the mugger, "give me MY money." Update » AlienZeD wrote on Wed Dec 20, 2006 @ 1:30pm Joe, a college student, was taking a course in ornithology, the study of birds. The night before the biggest test of the semester, Joe spent all night studying. He had the textbook nearly memorized. He knew his class notes backward and forward. Joe was ready.
The morning of the test, Joe entered the auditorium and took a seat in the front row. On the table in the front was a row of ten stuffed birds. Each bird had a sack covering its body, and only the legs were showing. When class started, the professor announced that the students were to identify each bird by looking at its legs and give its common name, species, habitat, mating habits, etc. Joe looked at each of the birds' legs. They all looked the same to him. He started to get angry. He had stayed up all night studying for this test and now he had to identify birds by their LEGS? The more he thought about the situation, the angrier he got. Finally he reached his boiling point. He stood up, marched up to the professor's desk, crumpled up his exam paper and threw it on the desk. "What a ridiculous test!" he told the prof. "How could anyone tell the difference between these birds by looking at their legs? This exam is the biggest rip-off I've ever seen!" With that, Joe turned and stormed toward the exit. The professor was a bit shocked, and it took him a moment to regain his composure. Then, just as Joe was about to walk out the door, the prof shouted out, "Wait a minute, young man, what's your name?" Joe turned around, pulled up his pant legs and hollered, "You tell me, prof! You tell me!" |
| I'm feeling greatfull right now.. | |
| Good [+1]Toggle ReplyLink» Moana replied on Wed Apr 18, 2007 @ 12:14pm |
| Coolness: 39400 | Why does an ostrich have such a long neck?
Because its head is so far from its body. |
| I'm feeling procrastinative right now.. | |
| Good [+1]Toggle ReplyLink» rave_dolphin replied on Wed Apr 18, 2007 @ 12:26pm |
 Coolness: 86845 | Conaissez vous l'histoire de flip-flop la giraffe ?
C'etait une fois un helicoptere qui volaits trop bas, pis Flip-Flop la giraffe ! |
| I'm feeling grippé right now.. | |
| Good [+1]Toggle ReplyLink» Moana replied on Wed Apr 18, 2007 @ 12:33pm |
| Coolness: 39400 | Baaaaaaaaahahahahahhaa c'est trop bon.
Two vampires are bored. They decide to have a contest to see who can collect the most blood. After a while, they meet up again - one of them has a super bloody mouth, the other's got nothing. The second one says "How did you find so much blood?" The other one answers "You see that tree over there? Yeah, well, I didn't." |
| I'm feeling procrastinative right now.. | |
| Good [+1]Toggle ReplyLink» rave_dolphin replied on Wed Apr 18, 2007 @ 1:15pm |
| Coolness: 86845 | Let's follow up with a right wing joke ...
In a Triplex lives three group of people. The first level belongs to a group of hippies, second level to a group of rastafarians, and the third to a group of nazis. Q: On a Wednesday afternoon, the building burns, and only on group survives ... which one is it ? A: The nazis, 'coz they were working ! |
| I'm feeling busy busy busy ! :d right now.. | |
| Good [+1]Toggle ReplyLink» Moana replied on Wed Apr 18, 2007 @ 1:42pm |
| Coolness: 39400 | The Penis Study
The American Government funded a study to see why the head of a man's Penis was larger than the shaft. After 1 year and $180,000, they concluded that the reason that the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex. After the US published the study, the French decided to do their own study. After $250,000 and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the woman more pleasure during sex. Canadians, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After 2 weeks and a cost of around $75.46, and 2 cases of beer, they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting himself in the forehead. |
| I'm feeling procrastinative right now.. | |
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