The Joke Thread
| Good [+1]Toggle ReplyLink» Toltech replied on Sat Oct 16, 2004 @ 3:07am |
 Coolness: 145460 | you know you're a redneck when you light a match in your washroom and it blows your entire home off it's wheels. |
| Good [+1]Toggle ReplyLink» Toltech replied on Mon Jul 25, 2005 @ 6:46pm |
| Coolness: 145460 | A woman standing naked in front of a bedroom mirror says to her husband.
"Honey, I look fat, ugly, and pale. Give me a compliment to cheer me up." The husband thinks for a second and replies, "At least there's nothing wrong with your eyesight." |
| Good [+1]Toggle ReplyLink» Toltech replied on Mon Jul 25, 2005 @ 6:47pm |
| Coolness: 145460 | A Japanese guy was trying to exchange yen for dollars and asked the
teller, "Why it change, yestoday I get two hunat dollar fo yen - today I get a Hunat eighty?" "Fluctuations" said the teller. "Fluc you white guys too" said the Japanese guy. |
| Good [+1]Toggle ReplyLink» Toltech replied on Mon Jul 25, 2005 @ 6:48pm |
| Coolness: 145460 | what did one necropheliac say to the other necropheliac.
how about a cold one? |
| Good [+1]Toggle ReplyLink» Toltech replied on Mon Jul 25, 2005 @ 6:49pm |
| Coolness: 145460 | Beer Study
Yesterday, scientists suggested that, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer, men should reconsider their beer consumption. The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the theory, 100 men were fed six pints of beer each within a one-hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing and refused to apologize when wrong. No further testing is planned.... |
| Good [+1]Toggle ReplyLink» Toltech replied on Mon Jul 25, 2005 @ 6:53pm |
| Coolness: 145460 | A flea had oiled up his little flea legs and his little flea arms, had spread out his blanket, and was proceeding to soak up the Miami sun when who should stumble by on the beach but an old flea friend of his.
"Oscar, what happened to you?", asked the flea, because Oscar looked terrible, wrapped up in a blanket, his nose running, his eyes red, and his teeth chattering. "I got a ride down here in some guy's moustache and he came down here by motorcycle. I nearly froze my nuts off," wheezed Oscar. "Let me give you a tip, old pal," said the first flea, spreading some more suntan oil on his shoulders. "You go to the stewardess lounge at the airport, see, and you get up on the toilet seat, and when an Air Florida stewardess comes in to take a leak, you hop on for a nice warm ride. Got it?" So you can imagine the flea's surprise when, a month or so later, while stretched out all warm and comfortable on the beach, who should he see but Oscar - looking more chilled and miserable than before. "Listen," said Oscar, "I did everything you said. I made it to the stewardess lounge and waited till a really cute one came in, and made a perfect landing and got so warm and cozy that I dozed right off." "And so?" asked the first flea. "And so the next thing I know, I'm on this guy's moustache again!" |
| Good [+1]Toggle ReplyLink» Toltech replied on Mon Jul 25, 2005 @ 6:54pm |
| Coolness: 145460 | How does Snoop Doggy Dogg keep his white clothes their whitest?
... ... ... he uses BLEEEEEE-AAAAATCH! |
| Good [+1]Toggle ReplyLink» Toltech replied on Mon Jul 25, 2005 @ 7:03pm |
| Coolness: 145460 | Did you hear about the war between Newfoundland and Nova Scotia?
The Newfies were lobbing hand grenades; the Nova Scotians were pulling the pins and throwing them back. |
| Good [+1]Toggle ReplyLink» Mico replied on Mon Jul 25, 2005 @ 7:40pm |
 Coolness: 150500 | What better than winning Gold at the Special Olympics?
NOT BEING RETARDED! |
| Good [+1]Toggle ReplyLink» Toltech replied on Thu Nov 24, 2005 @ 12:15am |
| Coolness: 145460 | this is acutally true...."apparently"...
While she was "flying" down the road yesterday (10 miles over the limit), a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?" To which she replied, "I'm late for work." Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?" I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded. The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?" Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch, until it's about 6 feet wide." "And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?" he asked. "You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..." Traffic Ticket $95.00 Court Costs. $45.00 The Look on Cop's Face. PRICELESS |
| Good [+1]Toggle ReplyLink» Toltech replied on Thu Nov 24, 2005 @ 12:25am |
| Coolness: 145460 | PINOCCHIO had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain about splinters when they were having sex. Pinocchio, therefore, went to visit Gepetto to see if he could help. Gepetto suggested he try a little sandpaper wherever indicated and Pinocchio skipped away enlightened. A couple weeks later, Gepetto saw Pinocchio bouncing happily through town and asked him, "How's the girlfriend?" Pinocchio replied, "Who needs a girlfriend?" |
| Good [+1]Toggle ReplyLink» Toltech replied on Thu Nov 24, 2005 @ 12:28am |
| Coolness: 145460 | LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD was walking through the woods when suddenly the Big Bad Wolf jumped out from behind a tree and, holding a sword to her throat, said, "Red, I'm going to screw your brains out!" To that, Little Red Riding Hood calmly reached into her picnic basket and pulled out a .44 magnum and pointed it at him and said, "No, you're not. You're going to eat me, just like it says in the book." |
| Good [+1]Toggle ReplyLink» Toltech replied on Thu Nov 24, 2005 @ 12:29am |
| Coolness: 145460 | MICKEY MOUSE and MINNIE MOUSE were in divorce court and the judge said to Mickey, "You say here that your wife is crazy." Mickey replied, "I didn't say she was crazy, I said she's fucking Goofy." |
| Good [+1]Toggle ReplyLink» Toltech replied on Thu Nov 24, 2005 @ 12:30am |
| Coolness: 145460 | SNOW WHITE saw Pinocchio walking through the woods so she ran up behind him, knocked him flat on his back, and then sat on his face crying, "Lie to me! Lie to me!" |
| Good [+1]Toggle ReplyLink» Toltech replied on Thu Nov 24, 2005 @ 12:32am |
| Coolness: 145460 | Did you [ know...Ca ] Hook died from jock itch. |
| Good [+1]Toggle ReplyLink» Toltech replied on Thu Nov 24, 2005 @ 12:35am |
| Coolness: 145460 | One day, JANE met TARZAN in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and during her questions about his life she asked him how he engaged to have sex. "What's that?" he asked. She explained to him what sex was and he said, "Oh, I use a hole in the trunk of a tree." Horrified, she said, " Tarzan, you have it all wrong but I will show you how to do it properly." She took off her clothes, lay down on the ground and spread her legs. "Here," she said, "you must put it in here." Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp, "What the hell did you do that for?" "Just checking for bees," said Tarzan. |
| Good [+1]Toggle ReplyLink» Mico replied on Thu Nov 24, 2005 @ 12:36am |
| Coolness: 150500 | lmao! |
| Good [+1]Toggle ReplyLink» Toltech replied on Thu Nov 24, 2005 @ 12:38am |
| Coolness: 145460 | CINDERELLA wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promised to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions. "First, you must wear a diaphragm." Cinderella agrees. "What's the second condition?" "You must be home by 2:00 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin." Cinderella agrees to be home by 2:00! a.m. The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up. Finally, at 5:00 a.m. Cinderella shows up, looking love struck and very satisfied. "Where have you been?" demands the Fairy Godmother. "Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!" "I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything." The Fairy Godmother stated, "I know of no prince with that kind of power! Tell me his name!" Cinderella replied, I can't remember, exactly, Peter, Peter, something or other..." |
| Good [+1]Toggle ReplyLink» Toltech replied on Thu Nov 24, 2005 @ 12:39am |
| Coolness: 145460 | someone has got to explain that last one for me because I honestly don't think I get it :( |
| Good [+1]Toggle ReplyLink» PonChalice replied on Thu Nov 24, 2005 @ 9:07am |
 Coolness: 76295 | GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being
assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?" BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer with lipstick on your collar. Then slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say: "You're next." |
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