The Joke Thread
| Good [+1]Toggle ReplyLink» Miller replied on Fri Mar 3, 2006 @ 9:22pm |
 Coolness: 57225 | whats the difference between a blond and a pizza
you can order a pizza without mushrooms |
| Good [+1]Toggle ReplyLink» Miller replied on Fri Mar 3, 2006 @ 9:23pm |
| Coolness: 57225 | how do you know when its bed -time at michel jackson's house?
when the big hand touches the little hand |
| Good [+1]Toggle ReplyLink» beercrack replied on Tue Jun 6, 2006 @ 6:57pm |
 Coolness: 71470 | do you know the difference between a chair and a penis?
you don't know? better watch where you sit down then! |
| Good [+1]Toggle ReplyLink» GRASP replied on Mon Jun 19, 2006 @ 7:05pm |
 Coolness: 65335 | i guy walks into a bar and asks the bartenter for 6 shots of vodka.the bartender asks him if it was a special occasion.the guy said "ya,today was my first blow job" the bartender offers him the 7th shot of vodka on the house.the guy then said "you mean to tell that 6 shots of vodka wont get this taste out of my mouth" |
| Good [+1]Toggle ReplyLink» GRASP replied on Thu Jul 6, 2006 @ 6:22pm |
| Coolness: 65335 | what do you call the hairy part in between your grandma's boobs?
her vagina! |
| Good [+1]Toggle ReplyLink» AlienZeD replied on Tue Oct 24, 2006 @ 11:49am |
 Coolness: 509595 | Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"
The Engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer enquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years say, a red Corvette?" The Engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?" And the interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it." |
| I'm feeling crazy right now.. | |
| Good [+1]Toggle ReplyLink» Screwhead replied on Wed Oct 25, 2006 @ 4:20pm |
 Coolness: 685625 | The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom
making Love to a very attractive young woman. And was somewhat upset. "You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce ! And the husband replied "Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened." "Fine, go ahead," she sobbed, "but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!" And the husband began -- "Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments. Since she needed a good clean up I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't use because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't use because I don't have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't use just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't use because someone at work has a pair the same" The husband took a quick breath and continued - "She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, Please .. do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use? |
| I'm feeling fat and sassy right now.. | |
| Good [+1]Toggle ReplyLink» PonChalice replied on Wed Oct 25, 2006 @ 4:53pm |
 Coolness: 76290 | why do ravewavers like K-mart?
cause little kids pants are half off! |
| I'm feeling . right now.. | |
| Good [+1]Toggle ReplyLink» AlienZeD replied on Tue Nov 14, 2006 @ 1:54pm |
| Coolness: 509595 | Once upon a time Dracula decided to carry some sort of a competition to see which is the finest bat to stand on his side. So all the bats were honored to take part. The rules were simple. Whichever bat drinks more blood, will be the winner? So the first bat goes and comes back after 10 minutes. Her mouth was full of blood. Dracula says: "Congratulations, how did you do that?" The bat said: "Do you see that tower? Behind it there is a house. I went in and sucked the blood of all the family". "Very good" said Dracula. The second bat goes and comes back after 5 minutes all her face covered in blood. Dracula astonished says, "How did you do that?" The bat replies " Do you see that tower? Behind it there is a school. I went in and drunk the blood of all the children". "Impressive" said Dracula. Now the third bat goes and comes back after three minutes literally covered in blood from top to toe. Dracula is stunned. "How on earth did you do that????" he asked. And the bat replies. "Do you see this tower?" Dracula replies with a yes. And the bat says "Well, I didn't". |
| I'm feeling all that right now.. | |
| Good [+1]Toggle ReplyLink» djpsychokitty replied on Tue Nov 14, 2006 @ 1:57pm |
 Coolness: 47460 | how do you make an emo come down a tree?
- by cutting the rope Two emos are in a boat, one falls from the boat, what is the other doing? - crying What's the difference between an emo and a trampoline? - you take off your shoes before you jump on the trampoline how many ravers does it take to change a lightbulb? - Two. One to change it and the other to complain how it was better before |
| I'm feeling woah right now.. | |
| Good [+1]Toggle ReplyLink» AlienZeD replied on Tue Nov 14, 2006 @ 2:33pm |
| Coolness: 509595 | How many ravers does it take to screw in a lightbulb.
Three: One to hold the bulb, the other one to spin until the rooms does too. |
| I'm feeling all that right now.. | |
| Good [+1]Toggle ReplyLink» doomcookiek replied on Tue Nov 14, 2006 @ 3:12pm |
 Coolness: 48250 | Q: What starts with an F and ends with a K?
A: Fire truck I like this joke just because it's mean. Q: What's the differance between a goth and a clown? A: The clown has a life. |
| Good [+1]Toggle ReplyLink» AlienZeD replied on Tue Nov 14, 2006 @ 3:12pm |
| Coolness: 509595 | ooooooooo, awesome |
| I'm feeling all that right now.. | |
| Good [+1]Toggle ReplyLink» Wizdumb replied on Tue Nov 14, 2006 @ 3:14pm |
 Coolness: 122345 | Q: how many emo kids does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: none, they don't mind cutting themselves in the dark |
| I'm feeling hate right now.. | |
| Good [+1]Toggle ReplyLink» AlienZeD replied on Fri Nov 17, 2006 @ 11:49am |
| Coolness: 509595 | A Yankee lawyer went duck hunting in eastern North Carolina. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly gentleman asked him what he was doing. The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, I'm going into retrieve it."
The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you are not coming over here." The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything! The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things here in North Carolina. We settle small disagreements like this with the NC Three-Kick Rule." The lawyer asked, "What is the NC three-Kick Rule?" The Farmer replied. "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up." The Yankee attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old southerner. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the Yankee lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up. The Yankee lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old redneck southerner, now it's my turn." The old North Carolina farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck." |
| I'm feeling off the wall right now.. | |
| Good [+1]Toggle ReplyLink» PonChalice replied on Mon Nov 20, 2006 @ 12:53pm |
| Coolness: 76290 | Dead children are easier to carry downstairs than dead adults... lol, just kidding! |
| I'm feeling . right now.. | |
| Good [+1]Toggle ReplyLink» AlienZeD replied on Mon Nov 20, 2006 @ 12:55pm |
| Coolness: 509595 | what the hell? that came out of nowhere! ;) |
| I'm feeling bond, james bond right now.. | |
| Good [+1]Toggle ReplyLink» Screwhead replied on Thu Nov 23, 2006 @ 12:42pm |
| Coolness: 685625 | An inebriated man, clearly enjoying his weekend off, walks into a bar, sits down and demands a drink.
"Get out," says the bartender. "I don't serve drunks here". The drunken man, acknowledges this fact, and staggers out the front door, only to come back in through the side door. He sits at the bar, bangs his fist and demands a drink. "I just told you to get out, didn't I? Now LEAVE!" The drunk gets off his stool, stumbles out the side door and, comes back inside through the back door. Once again, he sits at the bar and loudly asks for a drink. The bartender, now glowing mad, looks at the drunk and yells "I TOLD YOU, NO DRUNKS ALLOWED, NOW GET OUT!!!". The drunk looks up at the bartender and slurs, "How many bars do you work at, anyway?" |
| I'm feeling fat and sassy right now.. | |
| Good [+1]Toggle ReplyLink» AlienZeD replied on Thu Nov 23, 2006 @ 12:55pm |
| Coolness: 509595 | Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15th. Q: What year? A: Every year. Q: How old is your son, the one living with you? A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. Q: How long has he lived with you? A: Forty-five years. _________________________________ Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning? A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?" Q: And why did that upset you? A: My name is Susan. Update » AlienZeD wrote on Fri Nov 24, 2006 @ 1:41pm This past fall semester, at Duke University, there were two sophomores who were taking Organic Chemistry and who did pretty well on all of the quizzes, midterms, labs, etc. Going into the final exam, they had solid "A's."
These two friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week (even though the Chem. final was on Monday), they decided to go up to University of Virginia to a party with some friends. So they did this and had a great time. However, they ended up staying longer than they planned, and they didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, they found Professor Aldric after the final and explained to him why they missed it. They told him that they went up to Virginia for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back and didn't have a spare and couldn't get help for a long time. So they were late getting back to campus. Aldric thought this over and agreed that they could make up the final on the following day. The two guys were elated and relieved. So, they studied that night and went in the next day at the time that Aldric had told them. He placed them in separate rooms, handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin. They looked at the first problem, which was something simple about free radical formation and was worth 5 points. "Cool" they thought, "this is going to be easy." They did that problem and then turned the page. They were unprepared, however, for what they saw on the next page. It said: (95 points) "Which tire?" |
| I'm feeling devilish right now.. | |
| Good [+1]Toggle ReplyLink» PonChalice replied on Mon Nov 27, 2006 @ 9:13am |
| Coolness: 76290 | ... not a "joke" joke per say, but funny as fuck if you ask me!
[ www.mspaintporn.net ] you people freak me out! |
| I'm feeling . right now.. | |
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