RAVE NEWS - NOVEMBER 29TH 2011



KIDS ARE UNITED

The history of Montreal's Rave scene is manic-depressive at best, fraught with all the ups and downs imaginable. The past decade has been equally riddled with giant events and complete failures, drugs and a lack of, no alcohol and BYOB, friendship and jealousy, PLUR mongering and over-competitiveness, awesome DJs and total incompetence. However, we may have reached the dawn after a long night.

Let's begin with the all pervasive Dubstep scene. With humble beginnings at the hands of Forward Music and BassDrive, this scene soon exploded with a new generation of party-goers coming of age. Even though some of the old-schoolers feel a little lost and left behind in this young new crowd, the enthusiasm of the patrons of all ages is spectacular. This kind of popularity can breed alot of drama and in-fighting, competition and sabotage, but even though these things are unavoidable, they've been kept at a bare minimum. Working both together and apart, many productions are keeping a united front, such as BassDrive, The Session, Dubmachine, Bouddha Slinky, Big Tooth, Monkey Dub and others. Some of whom also branch out into Drum'n'Bass, along with the BeatFreakz crew over at [ [ djweb.tv ] ] and the old CTRL gang doing a new Friday night D'n'B gig. They all represent this new era of breaky bass driven music. Hard work and lots of love all around.

Hardcore Techno has always occupied a dark place in Montreal's heart, but that is not to say that those who promote the music are evil people. A recent meeting took place in which the heads of the Hardcore scene gathered to discuss the future. With representation from Quebecore, NTK, Deadna, Datagram, CSR, and Hard-Times, among others, this calm round table discussion over dinner proved the Zen mastery of some of the hardest DJs in this city. A consensus was reached to avoid stepping on one another's toes, to breathe new life into this zombiefied style of never-give-up music and attitude, and to help each other in all endeavors. They also agreed that anyone else trying their hand at Hardcore should also be cradled and supported. They represent the future of distortion. They are the gatekeepers of Raver Hell.

That leaves us with the other current and abundant genre of Rave oriented Techno. Though some may not appreciate it when a Pystrancer starts to talk about the universe, one has to admit that their presence on a dance-floor and in event production is as equally enthusiastic and exciting as the aforementioned, if not more so. For the past few years, summer in Montreal means Psy. Festivals aplenty, these people still manage to not over-step boundaries, still manage to gather many Ravers together at every occasion. In fact, this past year Pandemonium boasted at least three prominent promoters uniting to bring good music to good people. Under the banner of psychedelics, an unsaid truce has insured near constant parties on successive weekends without any overlap. They don't DIY, they DIT; not do-it-yourself but do-it-themselves, wherein the individual, though duly recognized, is merely a gear in the clockwork that is Psytrance.

There are many other types of Techno (Electro, Jungle, Breaks, Techno, Breakcore, Happy Hardcore, Industrial etc.), many other promoters, productions, DJs, and artists, all of whom after years of some rifting and competing have come together harmoniously and wisely. Many of these other promoters throw events with a multitude of styles. Never before have so many DJs befriended each other. Though Ravers might not be as numerous as they were only a short decade ago, the people behind the scenes have never been as united, despite their individual tastes and ambitions. That said, there will always be misunderstandings, ego-trippers, profiteers, and people with bad intentions. Humans are what they are and society is what it is, and so drama is unavoidable, even contrived out of boredom or insanity, perhaps sometimes entertaining. However, most have realized that for the body of Raves to stay healthy, all the organs must be taken care of and functional. Your heart won't beat without air in your lungs.

Keep stepping up and our scene may, after all, not fall out of step.

RAVE NEWS - NOVEMBER 28TH 2011



STAGE FRIGHT

Hidden within one of Montreal's beautiful autumn spaces, the bass pounding rhythmically and lights gyrating colourfully, the ravers cheered emphatically. Another fun Free Party outdoors, stars shining, moon waning, wood cracking - and then the horror.

At 3:16 am last Saturday, in a wooded area near Hochelaga-Maisoneuve, the stage built 8 hours earlier by a crew of 6 people suddenly collapsed. The stage housed a DJ Booth, 4 speakers and 2 sub-woofers, as well as 8 large canvases placed for decoration and two black-lights. 5 people were injured, including the Disc-Jockey who suffered a broken arm and a fractured shin.

The stage was about 5 feet off the ground, the back-drop structure fencing the back part of the stage was another 6 feet above that. The entire structure was pieced together with 2x4 beams of wood and other planks of wood. Witnesses also attest to seeing tree branches and tent-poles in a few places as well. Of the 6 people who put the stage together, only 1 had experience in building such structures, and the job of creating the stage was completed within 3 hours. Some people who questioned the promoter of the event upon their arrival say he claimed that the stage was safe and sound, tried and tested, before the party began. The opening DJ admitted that he was told to get up on the stage and begin only 20 minutes after the structure was completed, "I really didn't feel safe, but I bounced around a bit during the first tune to check, and it seemed solid - aside from a few creaks I thought I heard, but it was hard to tell with the loud music".

It wasn't until the 4th DJ got up onto the stage, bringing his girlfriend with him, that the structure seemed to sway and cave with the weight of him, his girl, the previous DJ , and his 2 friends. One of these friends overheard his buddies talking "Dude, I'm done, lets get off of this thing, it ain't fuckin' safe". 15 minutes later, just as the song that was playing dropped the kick drum back into the mix, one of the two criss-crossing beams beneath the stage gave way and the entire structure canted to the right. Off balance, and presumably drunk, the DJ onstage stumbled with his full weight falling to the left, and as yelps of shock from the crowd overtook the music, creaks and grunts of strained wood joined them. The speakers tumbled forward into the crowd, the stage collapsed inward, and the back-drop fell every which way as it was pulled awkwardly by the decorative canvas stapled onto it. Complete Disaster. Total destruction. One of the Turntables had fallen on the Dj, causing his leg injury, as his right arm was sunk into the debris. For one minute, no one moved. Luckily one responsible raver, known as Alexandre, trained as a First-Response Paramedic pushed his way through to the front of the crowd and began assessing and nursing wounds.

Due to the injuries, an ambulance was called, but only nearby, as the promoters scrambled to put the sound-system back into place on ground level, hoping to continue the party. The injured were helped by their friends over to the paramedics who seemed stunned, "We arrived at the scene at 3:45, heard some sort of Techno music off in the woods, but our priority was taking care of the injured individuals. There were mostly cuts, bruises, and splinters, except for two people with fractured limbs, and one with a broken arm." The paramedics also said that only 2 of the people hurt went to the Hospital, the other 3 returning into the woods. Assuming there was something strange going on, the Ambulance driver contacted the Police to inform them of the incident. Law enforcement arrived on the scene at approximately 6:00 am. They arrived to an empty clearing just beyond some trees. "We found a big pile of wood, abandoned. We could not tell what it was supposed to be at first, originally assuming it was intended to be used for a bonfire. Obviously, we put 2 and 2 together and realized it was a stage-like structure that had collapsed". They claim that the stage's construction material was a mixture of rotting wood, planks, branches, rope, nails, screws, and 2x4's. Shoddy, at best.

In the days following the event, all the pieces of the puzzle came together. The structure was designed on the spot by the one person, aided by 5 others who knew nothing of construction. It was also done in a rush, the extra materials scavenged from the surrounding area. 4 of the helpers admitted to being high or drunk at the time. In total, only a dozen screws and about 20 nails were used to keep it all together. There was over 1000 pounds of material on the stage. Approximately 400 pounds of material was used to build the stage. With a DJ or two thrown on the stage, the result was a very fragile, top-heavy, poorly built structure that was doomed to fail. Another raver later told me "I fuckin' told [the promoter] that if he couldn't afford professionals, then he shouldn't have a damn stage at this party. But no, he told me he needed a stage, that it was all part of the trance".

Luckily, there were no more injuries, and none too severe. The party continued 30 minutes after the incident, but many patrons had already departed. Within 45 minutes after the music had restarted, everyone had left. One witness stated "Dude, the vibe was awful, I mean, we got hurt friends and a big shit pile of wood next to us, plus half the speakers were fucked! We got out of there man". Both the promoter and person in charge of the stage building refused to comment.

Shakespeare once wrote "All the world's a stage", but what he failed to mention was that it isn't a very well built one.

Should have uploaded them here :)

yup you will see all the old messages also...

RAVE NEWS - NOVEMBER 26TH 2011



BLACK FACE RAVES

Students at a Montreal college are being subjected to world-wide scorn after videos of one of their parties leaked on to the internet. It wasn't the oversexed debauchery that shocked the world. It wasn't the underage drinking that rattled the public. It wasn't the fact that they were playing psytrance that bothered the masses. No, what pissed them off was the fact that party goers were told to cover their faces in shoe polish and to dress up as their favorite African.

It's 2011 and people are still dressing up in black face.

These young revelers showed a dreadful lack of common sense. The fact that they're Montrealers, and not hicks from the backwaters of Alabama is a tragedy. You'd expect this sort of thing south of the Mason-Dixie line, but in Canada?

Montreal isn't the only Canadian city that's had to deal with students wearing black-face. Toronto had a scandal of it's own back in 2009, when students at one of their universities threw a Cool Runnings inspired Halloween party. In 2010, the law faculty of another university in Ontario got in trouble after they threw their own black face party.

Unlike the the students in Ontario, the backlash against the Montrealers has been swift and fierce. Many of the students who attended the party are now living in fear. Five of the students dropped out after being bombarded with death threats from enraged strangers. The school, meanwhile, defended the student's racism, claiming that their black face party was "just in good fun."

They can message you but you will not see it...
Who's stalking will still show...

woops posted it too early... ow well :) sneak peak...

RAVE NEWS - NOVEMBER 25TH 2011



THE NASTY NIPPLED RAVER

"Fucking nasty!" was the first thing his friends said after he showed them what was left of his nipples. That was soon followed by "you are such an idiot" and "what the hell were you thinking?!". He was used to the abuse by now.

Three weeks ago, his parents found his naked body passed out on his apartment floor, his nipples bloodied, mangled and swollen. They brought him to the Jewish General where the doctors were able to piece together what had happened to him. They had less success with his nipples. They had to chop off most of his right one and his left one now looks like one of those man-eating plants from Super Mario Bros. It's a bulbous looking thing that's split down the middle and covered in tiny fleshy teeth like protrusions.

The doctors learned from our nasty nippled raver that he was a terrible drunk. After work, he'd pound back a six pack of pabst and whatever hard liquor was on hand while he surfed the web. His favorite website was a popular body-mod forum. He had become obsessed with DIY piercing within weeks of joining it.

On the night of the incident, he had mustered up enough courage to pierce his nipples. Drunk out of his gourd, he decided to pierce them despite the fact that he didn't have any of the right equipment. Instead, he improvised. He had a box full of nails in the kitchen.

Holding it was the last thing he remembers doing.

He doesn't even know how he wound up naked.

One thing he does know is that he's grateful his parents had a key to his apartment and that they decided to drop in unannounced when they did. His doctors informed him that the damage to his nipples could have been much worse had he not received prompt medical attention.

The nasty nippled raver has started work with a therapist. He hopes to cure himself of his alcohol problem.

RAVE NEWS - NOVEMBER 24TH 2011



FULLY DISFUNCTIONAL

Any marginal person will tell you that they believe in DIY, do it yourself - save some money, fight capitalism, damn the man. Make your own soap, create your own music, throw your own party. Some things, however, are better left to the professionals.

A crew of neo-hippies based in Montreal, with ties to communes in British Columbia, have decided that it would be best to circumvent the gang controlled drug providers by making the drugs themselves. After learning the processes for manufacturing drugs on the internet, and some from 'enlightened' oldsters in their entourage, they made several batches of LSD, Ecstasy, Speed, 2CB, and Ketamine. Calling themselves Funktion Motors, they sell these home-made drugs at a fraction of the price, which these days is, ironically, already low. One of their crew members, Paul Creud, told us that "We make highly effective substances with recycled materials, and legal plants, that will take you to a much higher state of consciousness than any other dirty pill these gangsters try to sell you. It's great!".

However, they almost immediately faced many problems and dangers. The worst being the health issue. Many of the ingredients are cheap replacements for the usual ones, some are ineffective, some too effective, as well as some combinations of which are already on the FDA (Food & Drug Administration) banned list. We asked Funktion Motors for a full ingredient list and recipe for each different drug, but were refused.

After their first night of partying with these drugs at a large festival, there were 3 over-doses, fortunately non-lethal. One person was rushed to the Hospital after suffering a mild heart-attack. A dozen people broke out into fevers. "Well, of course some of the process involves trial and error, and some people must've just bad-tripped 'cause they weren't listening to the right music - no fault of ours" said Paul during a phone interview. "Dude, we're making substances that are much purer and more natural than the gangs do, so people have to learn to dose themselves, man". When asked if their clients were warned of the drugs' alternative origins he responded with "We write our logo on the baggies, so people should know already. Anyway, what's there to warn about? That our stuff is more awesome and environmental?".

Obviously the biggest opposition to this DIY drug manufacturing comes from the mafias and bikers, those who own the trade. Several of Funkion Motors' bases of operation have been subject to arson and vandalism. A few of FM's clients were beaten. An anonymous employee of the Hell's Angels told us that "The bosses are more than a little pissed off. Who do these fuckers think they're dealing with? They're gonna get eradicated". A short pause from him, followed by an unreasonably reasonable statement, "Listen, yeah people think that we're the evil ones providing people with illicit substances, but we wouldn't be in business if people didn't want it. Anyway, sure we cut our drugs, but fuck, we want people to survive their trip so that they come back and buy more. Makes sense? But these hippy dicks don't know what they're doing. They're gonna get innocent kids killed. I'm not talking about the addict who does too much Heroine, I'm talking about some party-goer dying from a small dose".

Despite all the set-backs, Funktion Motors says that they'll continue making and testing their drugs until they find their own alternative to the black-market; until they successfully enlighten their fellow ravers for a dollar less.

Need to call an ambulance? Do it yourself.

RAVE NEWS - NOVEMBER 23RD 2011



PAY TO PLAY

Any self-respecting DJ wants to play at every possible gig. They live to drop beats, and most of the time money is not an issue. One self-serving promoter decided to bank in on this notion.

"Our plan is to make such awesome events that DJs will beg us play at them" says Brian, the brain behind the Montreal promotional team Bass-Tricks Productions. "It's always a fuss trying to figure out which DJs to book, and then we have to deal with jealousy and whining, not to mention the cost of local DJs. So, we figured why not make the DJs pay us to play? They want exposure, they want to make a reputation for themselves, and we give them that by allowing them to play at massive events. For a cost."

The production team will accept applications, and chose the DJs from that pool, after which there will be a scale of fees depending of the time-slot of any given DJ. Early slots cost 50$, slots before of after International Headliners start at 100$ depending on the magnitude of the headlining artist. They also plan on having additional charges for the flyer; an extra 10$ for every 1 point of font size larger than the basic font size that will be used for the flyer. "We already have a list of over 30 DJs willing to participate, and we've only started. We expect this number to triple once people see who we're booking for the main acts".

Concepts such as Payola have been around since the dawn of Rock'n'Roll and Pop music, in which a record label will pay radio stations to play the songs and artists of the label's choosing. Music has meant big business for the last 60 years, and profiting from this has been the sole purpose of major labels ever since. Now, this new concept is stretching the boundaries, making the artists themselves pay for the right to play. Obviously this idea has met with severe backlash.

"It's fuckin' crazy!" Says DJ Shmiley, an up-and-comer in the Dubstep scene, "I want to make a name for myself, yes, but I'm supposed to be paid for my services nonetheless. So, this stupid idea to make me pay for a spot in a party is totally ass-backwards!". Many other DJs who've gotten wind of this promotional tactic have also vehemently opposed Bass-Tricks, and have called for a boycott of their events.

"It goes against everything we've fought for in the past 10 years here in Montreal" states old-schooler Slackerboy, who has since put a counter concept on the table, a Dj Union. He goes on "It's one thing to accept pennies when a party fails, or is a free event, but it's a whole other story to say that we should actually pay to play". He and others alike argue that if DJs have to invest in getting gigs, they'll have no cash to invest in the music itself, and the scene will become stagnant, people will lose interest as very little new material will be affordable for the city's Disc Jockey community. On top of which, they believe that the scene will be inundated with incompetent DJs who can simply afford to get all the gigs. Also bad for the music scene.

On a rave oriented website, Brian wrote "Hey, you have to invest in your future, you need money to make money". To which dozens of DJs responded "We already invested thousands of dollars into buying music and gear. Go fuck yourself".

Some might need to pay to play, others need a pay to play, but most just want to play. To each his own.

I'm testing Apache 2.3 for an hour (pre release of 2.4)... Hopefully it fixes some crashes... If the site keeps crashing I will load back 2.2...

RAVE NEWS - NOVEMBER 22ND 2011



RAVER PORN BUST

One of Montreal's premiere nightlife websites is in uproar after it was revealed that three of its users hacked into computers belonging to members. They were looking for amateur porn, and whenever they found any they'd post it to an underground website that they started back in February.

The site had over a hundred and fifty members before it was shuttered last week. Thousands of pornographic pictures and videos were traded on the underground forum, the majority of it stolen from unsuspecting Montrealers.

The hackers used two methods to find the porn. Their preferred method was to trick their victims into downloading malware. They'd send them emails and facebook messages asking them to check out a link or file that would install a remote access trojan on to their computers. Their second method, and the one that lead to their getting caught, was to physically infect the computers of their targets using a USB flash drive.

They tried doing the latter at a house party, when someone stumbled onto what they were doing and called them out on it. Everything unraveled shortly after that.

If you're a Montreal party goer who has kept amateur porn on your computer, you might be a victim. Your dirty smut might now be in the hands of strangers. To find out if your files have been leaked to the internet, please send copies to noah@rave.ca, where they'll be compared against the database of stolen porn.

RAVE NEWS - NOVEMBER 21ST 2011



ST-HENRI — Friends of shaggy haired psytrance addict Nathan Laurier were lost for words after he informed them that he was the son of God, Jesus Christ, reborn in Montreal for the sole purpose of waging holy war against the forces of Satan.

Nathan told his friends of his divine lineage on Friday night after snorting an unspecified amount of ketamine while attending Jonathan Duchene's birthday. Party goers took Nathan's godly claims in good humor at first, but when Nathan realized that they weren't taking him seriously, he became agitated and started yelling at them.

"He kept insisting that he was Jesus and that Nostradamus had prophesized his birth" said Jonathan. "It was messed up. I thought he'd gone crazy. He started yelling at people and throwing things. My brother Alex gave me a giant Yoda statue as a gift for my birthday, and Nathan chucked it at my head. I barely dodged it. He was mental."

Jennifer Faubert, who has known Nathan for years, agreed. "I'd never seen him act that way before. It's like something snapped inside his head. He just kept rambling about how the Vatican had been training him since birth in preparation for armaggedon, and that if we didn't believe him, he'd send us all to hell."

Nathan's girlfriend, Louise Guidon, was equally shaken. "I've known him for five years, and I've never seen him like that. He really thought he was the son of God. He told me that everything I knew about him was a lie, and that he wasn't really a high-school drop-out from Gaspesie. That was just a cover story. He told me that in reality, he had spent his teenage years studying at several secret Vatican ninja camps, learning Christian ninjutsu from the Templar Knights. I really need to break up with him" she said, and then winced. "But I'm worried he'll hurt me when I tell him we can't be together."

The night's rampage came to an end when Alex punched Nathan in the face. "He broke Yoda. No one breaks Yoda and gets away with it." said Alex. "Nathan ran out of the apartment, blood and tears streaming down his face," added Jonathan."it was messed up."

RAVE NEWS - NOVEMBER 20TH 2011



RAVER ATTACKS LOVE RIVAL WITH KNIFE

VERDUN — A teenage raver has been arrested after assaulting a love rival. She had once been best friends with her victim, but after the two fell for the same man, she decided she had to do something drastic to get her out of the picture. So she invited her rival in love to a psytrance party, where she then attacked her with a nine inch bowie knife.

"It happened so fast." said Mike A., an eyewitness to the attack. "The DJ was playing Optical Vibes by Astrix when all of a sudden, there's blood all over the floor, and this blond haired girl is screaming in pain, clutching her face."

The attack took place shortly after 1 am. "Just as the party was starting to pick up, that idiot goes and ruins it for everyone. The cops showed up and shut everything down. She could have at least attacked that girl in an alleyway or something" said Mike.

Jennifer G., another party goer, agreed. "Selfish ravers are destroying the scene. Could it have hurt that woman to wait until 5am before she started cutting people? No one plays good music at 5am. The party's almost over by then. That's when she should have attacked her. That would have been the respectful thing to do."

The victim, meanwhile, is expected to make a full recovery.

The last ravenews artucle was the 100th article!

RAVE NEWS - NOVEMBER 19TH 2011



HE'S STILL OUT THERE

They hadn't heard from him in weeks. He no longer answered his emails. He never picked up his phone. The only person he opened the front door for was the pizza delivery guy. He slept during the day and spent his nights playing World of Warcraft.

Worried sick, two of his friends broke into his apartment in order to talk to him. They wanted to know why he'd gone full hermit. He was an extroverted dubstep promoter who loved being the center of attention. He wasn't the type of person who hid from the world. They were concerned.

They found their buddy curled up in bed playing with his iPad.

He didn't even notice them standing in his room. They had to grab the device out of his hands before he even acknowledged them.

He was passive and unresponsive. His friends found his behavior unreal. It was like talking to an alien or a semi-sentient vegetable. He wasn't the least bit concerned about how they got into his apartment. A rock was involved. Whenever they'd ask him a question, he wouldn't answer it. He'd just grunt out a sound and turn his head away.

Exasperated, they started to yell at him. They even yanked him off the bed. He didn't resist. His body was like like a rag doll.

They spent what felt like an eternity trying to get their friend to respond. Nothing worked.

Heartbroken and crestfallen, the duo started to cry.

And that's when the dubstep promoter broke down. Something inside of him cracked, the armor he was wearing fell off, and the truth blubbered out of him.

A police officer had sexually assaulted him in June after one of his parties. It took him weeks to start processing what had happened to him. At first, he didn't even register the attack. It was like a part of his brain had cut out parts of his memory. He'd replay the night in his head, and he couldn't relate to the person who had been attack. It didn't feel like it had been him.

He slowly started withdrawing after that. His habits changed. He stopped going out to parties. And then, in September, he was buying groceries at the IGA near his apartment when he bumped into the officer who had raped him. The officer laughed in his face. The promoter was frozen with shock. He just stood there, unable to move.

Everything became a blur after that. He ran back home and had a major panic attack.

He quit his job, turned off his phone, and closed his facebook account. He didn't want to deal with the world or any of the people in it.

His friends were speechless. They didn't know what to say or how to help.

They left his apartment later that night. They were angry at the police officer who had hurt their friend, but there was nothing they could do. Their friend didn't want to go public with what had happened to him. He just wanted to move on.

A few weeks later, he left Montreal for Ottawa. He no longer felt safe here.

The cop still has his job. Who knows when he'll attack next.

RAVE NEWS - NOVEMBER 18TH 2011



ORGY, INTERRUPTED

ATWATER — David G, a popular happy hardcore promoter, and his girlfriend E.C had spent weeks planning their orgy. "When David first brought up the idea of hosting a sex party, I was all for it -- so long as we only invited other couples." E.C told Ravenews. "I want to be able to trust the people I have sex with, and I figure if a woman's already screwing a guy, then he can't be a complete creep."

David and E.C had scheduled their orgy for Friday. "We had it all figured out. We had invited three couples that we were comfortable with. We met one online, and the other two were long time friends that we first met back when we studied at Dawson." It was going to be a perfect night of sensual excess. "We had boxes of brand new sex toys, we had lube, we had pizza, we had porn. It was going to be great. The couple we met online were the first to show up. We were getting really excited. So when the buzzer rang the second time, we ran to answer the door. And that's when we saw Radu."

Radu K. was one of David G.'s childhood friends. He had come to the neighborhood to catch a movie at the Old Forum, and when it was done, he decided to drop by David's place. "We weren't expecting him. If we had known it was him at the door, we wouldn't have opened it." E.C told us.

He was an uninvited and unwanted guest, a man who seemed oblivious to the sexual escapades that had been planned for the evening. "We let him in to be polite, but after that we just couldn't get him to leave. He wouldn't take a hint." David agrees. "We did everything short of physically throwing him out."

His presence was enough to scare off the couple they had met online. "They thought we were pulling a fast one on them. Oh, remember the people you thought you were going to have sex with? They don't exist. Why don't you sleep with Radu instead." David told us. "When the other couples showed up, I was in such a bad mood that even if we managed to get Radu to leave, the night wouldn't have been much fun."

Radu, for his part, was unapologetic. "I knew within minutes of arriving that they were planning to have an orgy. Once I figured it out, which wasn't hard considering there was a barely concealed box of sex toys in the kitchen, I decided to see what would happen if I acted like a clueless idiot. I had a blast. While they were in the kitchen talking about what to do with me, I was in their living room using their computer to chat with friends on IRC. I kept my friends on Undernet's #Montreal channel up to date with how David and E.C were dealing with me."

"He's a real asshole" said E.C. "We didn't realize he knew about our plans, and we were too shy to tell him the truth. So he trolled us. Hard."

Radu was unrepentant. "I've known David for nearly twenty years. If he's going to have orgy, and he wants me to leave, he needs to be man enough to say it to my face. I guess that's the lesson I wanted to teach him: don't throw an orgy if you're not willing to tell people about it."

RAVE NEWS - NOVEMBER 17TH 2011



HE FOUND REAL LOVE AFTER QUITTING DRUGS

VERDUN — "I was worried my penis was going to fall off from neglect." Joseph D. recently told Ravenews. "It'd been over two years since the last time I had sex." His dating woes started after he lost two of his front teeth during a meth bend. "I had been up for three days straight and for some reason, I can't remember why, I decided to climb a lamp post koala-bear style. I got to the top of the post but then I lost my grip and fell on my face. My mouth was all mangled up. I got some dental implants and now I look as good as new. Still, after the accident, my parents dragged my ass to rehab. They didn't want a druggie for a son, and they told me that either I got my shit together or they'd disown me."

"They sent me to some fancy addiction center in the Laurentians. I was there for two months." After leaving rehab, Joseph tried to live on the straight and narrow. "I got a job as a bike messenger and I started taking night classes at Concordia. Everything seemed to be going well, but I wasn't getting laid. I thought it was just a dry spell."

Little did he know that his dry spell would go on for years. Joseph hit on girls he saw at parties, but they all turned him down. He joined several online dating services, but none of the women he sent messages to ever replied. "I couldn't even score a date with a Craigslist hooker. Women don't want to sleep with men who aren't addicted to narcotics. I used to go to a party with a vile of K and an eight ball, and I'd drown in pussy. Now that I'm sober, the ladies want nothing to do with me."

"That's why I bought A RealDoll. It's a life like sex doll that has a poseable PVC skeleton and silicone flesh. It feels like the real thing! It cost me over six thousand dollars, but I couldn't be happier with Lucille. That's why I call my doll." Joseph says he's saving up for a second one. "My sex doll is the best girlfriend I ever had. She isn't jealous. She doesn't get angry or mad. She puts out whenever I want her to. I'm going to build myself a harem. I'm going to call my next doll
Alicia."

When asked if he's still looking for love with a real woman, Joseph said no. "The last two years of soul crushing rejection? That's the best thing that ever happened to me. I never would have bought Lucille had any of those women I approached slept with me. I can't even imagine what life would be like without her. She's the love of my life. Once you've been with a RealDoll, you lose your taste for real women."

RAVE NEWS - NOVEMBER 16TH 2011



GRAVE ROBBING RAVERS PILLAGE MONTREAL CEMETERIES

VILLE ST-LAURENT — A ghoulish trend is sweeping Montreal's rave community as underage party goers invade graveyards for their midnight dancing needs. Ville St-Laurent officials say their borough has been hit particularly hard by raving vandals. "They've broken tombstones, they've dug up graves, they've been caught fornicating on top of rotting coffins. One raver was caught stealing skulls at one party." an anonymous source informs us.

"I blame Twilight" said Lisa R., a mother of a 17 year old diehard dubstep fan. "I think these ravers have been getting high on Stephanie Meyer's books, and that's why they're throwing parties in graveyards."

Jonathan D., a teacher at one of Ville St-Laurent's many high schools, agrees. "The government should ban Twilight. Did you hear about that woman in Denver, Colorado who went around biting people in a convenience store? There's a morbid vampire craze happening right now. My students are partying in graveyards, and I can't get them to stop. Their parents can't get them to stop. The government needs to do something."

Hidden underneath the bed of Alexis T. is the collar bone of a dead octogenerian. "My friend threw this bash at one of the nearby cemeteries. We were dancing to chiptunes when a bunch of us decided to dig up one of the graves. It belonged to this old lady, I can't remember her name. I think it was Doris. Or maybe Edna. Anyways, we decided to each take one of her bones, which we would then turn into jewelery. One guy made a really nice bracelet out of her wrist. He painted it fluorescent orange. It's so pretty. I'm going to make a necklace out of my bone."

When asked if she felt guilty about what robbing graves, Alexis balked. "No way! That old lady is part of the Montreal party scene now. We're honoring her memory in a way no tombstone ever could. Whenever we wear our bone jewelery, it's like she'll be dancing with us."

Stanley F., a youth psychologist at one of Montreal's finer hospitals, says he isn't surprised that ravers have resorted to grave robbing. "You know, they're reading all these books about vampires and goblins, and they're watching horror movies, and listening to the hip hop and the rock and roll and the techno music, and it just spoils their brain. Especially the techno. One of the studies I just conducted shows that techno music destroys the brain's insular cortex, a region that plays a huge role in regulating our capacity for empathy. Without it, you're pretty much a psychopath. I'm not surprised that people who listen to techno and read vampire books spend their evenings digging up graves."

"We need to burn some books and ban electronic music, I think." Stanley said. "If we don't, these graveyard ravers are going to grow up to be serial killers."

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