A Warning To All That Shave
| Good [+1]Toggle ReplyLink» djAmalgam replied on Sat Jul 31, 2004 @ 10:44pm |
 Coolness: 105745 | I have recently made a mistake in my life, and I offer my story to all though tasteless, that you may learn from my error. It all started, as many things do, with me having trouble pooping. No, I was not constipated; this was not a regularity problem but a matter of technique.
It seems my ss-hair had grown to such a length that tiny grogans were constantly getting tied up in the matted jungle between my asscheeks. It led to much frustration, with me KNOWING that I still had something to drop, but unable to shake the tenacious turd loose from its butthair dwelling. Eventually I would have to do two things: either reach down with somepaper and try to pinch off the lingering loaf (which required careful precision to avoid smearing the creature all over my rear, especially since I had no way of seeing what I was doing) or just go for broke, start wiping, and hope that I could remove all the leftover fecal matter before the toilet paper reached its Can't-Be-Flushed threshold. I was contemplating this problem, when I had what seemed at the time to be a bright idea. "Hey, this is my butt and my butt-hair, right? So why don't I just eliminate all the hair, and then my grogans will flow out like beer from a keg!" I said to myself. It is a statement that will go down in history with a lot of other regretted statements. "How many Indians could there be?" said by General Custer. "Looks like a good day for a drive!" by JFK. "There! America On-line now has complete Usenet access!" by some idiot system tech. Such was my anal shaving idea. I performed the operation that night, with a cheap disposable razor and a towel to sit on. Starting from the bottom, and shaving from the crack to the cheeks, I began the arduous process of ridding my ass of hair. Occasionally, I would have to clean the razor of accumulated hair, which I did by wiping it on the towel. Slowly, my twin mounds and the between-ravine began to resemble the hairless cheeks of a newborn babe. Finally, I wiped the razor one last time, and surveyed my work. The towel was covered with a pile of hair. My ass was smooth as ivory. I smiled, satisfied, thinking my troubles were over. Little did I know. I now have a great respect for anal-hair. Like everything in this world God created, it has its mighty purpose in existence. It was only after I had removed it that I started to learn how much I had been taking it for granted. For one, it provides friction. I learned this the next day, when I walked out into the sun heading for class. After climbing two flights of stairs and starting to sweat, I started to notice something unpleasant. The sweat was accumulating in my crack, and was causing the unpleasant sensation of my two asscheeks sliding past each other with every step. I thought about going to the bathroom and wiping it off, but had to get to class. Eventually, I thought, it would dry. Unfortunately, it did dry, but only after mingling with the microscopic poop -molecules lingering around my brown starfish. When I stood up after class, my cheeks were stuck together with a slimy sticky poop/sweat combination. As I made my way back to my dorm, it started to itch. God-DAMN, did it itch! Felt like a swarm of ants was making its way up and down my crack. Fighting to keep from jamming my hand down there and scratching away, I rushed back to the dorm. Unfortunately, this exertion caused me to sweat, and when I finally reached my room, my cheeks were sliding back and forth against each other like a pair of horny cane-toads. I quickly dropped my pants, and attempted to dry my ass off by sticking it in front of a fan and spreading my cheeks. As I pulled the two mounds of flesh apart, a horrible stench burst free and filled the room. Every dog within a 4 block radius started to howl. I had it worst of all, as the ripe aroma of festering poop/sweat went into the fan and blew back into my face. I fought to keep from heaving. And as I sat there, fighting vomit, my ass cheeks spread and dripping, with the concentrated aroma of my body odor mixed with the tangy smell of my own poop blowing right into my face, I had only one thought: "It will be like this until the hair grows back. Weeks." Later on, trying to deal as best I could, wiping my ass at every opportunity, I discovered another wonderful use for ass-hair - ventilation. I attempted to launch a fart, only to have it get stuck between my asscheeks. Apparently, with no hair, the two pink twins can get vacuum sealed together, and the result was a frustrating fart that slid up and down between my cheeks like a lost gerbil. As if that wasn't enough, I am now enduring further torture. As anyone who has ever shaved anything knows, when hair is first growing in, it comes in as stubble. Imagine your ass having the texture of a brillo pad. Well, that is what I am dealing with now. It is a hellish torture, and there are many times when I just look out the window and contemplate why I shouldn't just jump out and get it all over with in one fleshy splat, rather than endure this constant agony. Friends-DON'T SHAVE YOUR ASS-HAIR! |
| Good [+1]Toggle ReplyLink» soyfunk replied on Sat Jul 31, 2004 @ 10:47pm |
 Coolness: 126725 | you had dangle berries |
| Good [+1]Toggle ReplyLink» Hhm replied on Sat Jul 31, 2004 @ 11:39pm |
| Coolness: 55970 | wtf
maybe u should clean ur ass |
| Good [+1]Toggle ReplyLink» Plan-C replied on Sun Aug 1, 2004 @ 6:10am |
 Coolness: 62545 | LMAO
save that story for your children! |
| Good [+1]Toggle ReplyLink» neoform replied on Sun Aug 1, 2004 @ 6:33am |
 Coolness: 339620 | the snoz-berries taste like snoz-berries. |
| Good [+1]Toggle ReplyLink» little_sarah replied on Sun Aug 1, 2004 @ 10:22am |
 Coolness: 121395 | paul you make me sick. i didn't even read it all coz i thought i was gona be sick, but that's filthy. |
| Good [+1]Toggle ReplyLink» michaeldino replied on Sun Aug 1, 2004 @ 10:31am |
 Coolness: 68930 | you should trim it stupid!
not shave it all off!! sheesh.. do i have to tell you idiots everything |
| Good [+1]Toggle ReplyLink» G__ replied on Sun Aug 1, 2004 @ 11:34am |
| Coolness: 141320 | taking a razor to your ass???
right away, it doesn't sound smart |
| Good [+1]Toggle ReplyLink» Violence_Inc replied on Sun Aug 1, 2004 @ 1:38pm |
 Coolness: 174045 | lol thats awesome! |
| Good [+1]Toggle ReplyLink» toebee replied on Sun Aug 1, 2004 @ 1:50pm |
 Coolness: 87020 | sounds deeelicious. |
| Good [+1]Toggle ReplyLink» Nuclear replied on Sun Aug 1, 2004 @ 5:16pm |
 Coolness: 2603940 | did you write that cause it's super funny... |
| Good [+1]Toggle ReplyLink» michaeldino replied on Sun Aug 1, 2004 @ 8:00pm |
| Coolness: 68930 | that never happened to paul.. he doesnt l;ive in a dorm stupids |
| Good [+1]Toggle ReplyLink» no.name replied on Sun Aug 1, 2004 @ 8:14pm |
 Coolness: 129145 | hairy ass |
| Good [+1]Toggle ReplyLink» Miss_Amanda replied on Sun Aug 1, 2004 @ 11:40pm |
 Coolness: 160500 | Originally posted by MOI...
that never happened to paul.. he doesnt l;ive in a dorm stupids yeah nowone seems to have caught onto that cept for us just cuz we're cool |
| Good [+1]Toggle ReplyLink» Nuclear replied on Mon Aug 2, 2004 @ 12:44am |
| Coolness: 2603940 | not enough time in the world to catch everything... |
| Good [+1]Toggle ReplyLink» soyfunk replied on Mon Aug 2, 2004 @ 1:34am |
| Coolness: 126725 | i just wanted to say dangle berries |
| Good [+1]Toggle ReplyLink» FUCK_YOU replied on Mon Aug 2, 2004 @ 4:39am |
| Coolness: 39165 | Kseftila!!!! |
| Good [+1]Toggle ReplyLink» michaeldino replied on Mon Aug 2, 2004 @ 9:24am |
| Coolness: 68930 | Originally posted by MISS AMANDA...
Originally posted by Moi...
that never happened to paul.. he doesnt l;ive in a dorm stupids yeah nowone seems to have caught onto that cept for us just cuz we're cool damn right! |
| Good [+1]Toggle ReplyLink» Purple_Lee replied on Mon Aug 2, 2004 @ 9:29am |
 Coolness: 238575 | :lol too funny Paul
Lee |
| Good [+1]Toggle ReplyLink» tuesmondieu replied on Mon Aug 2, 2004 @ 10:51am |
 Coolness: 94280 | I'm with tobee on this one.....sounds deeeeeeliiiicious!!!! |
A Warning To All That Shave
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