ON A HIGH

Table Talk (Monthly Forum) Condensed from a group interview by Ro-Charmaine
M. Pidal Lunch and venue sponsored by Tin Hau Restaurant, Mandarin
Oriental, Manila

They have all had a trip with the devil.

Their entry point was either small doses of cough syrup or some grass
puffed with the barkada. What were experimental trips became a habit of
sorts, and as it became more frequent, the rituals increased -- and smoke
was almost always accompanied by alcohol and sex.

While the puffing continued -- once a week, twice a week, everyday -- new
trips emerged to try, like the most popular ice. Still they denied their
addiction: "We're no druggies, we're just fine, peace, man!"

Together a post-modern addictions therapist, Carlos "Cass" Syyap of
Recovery Circle Foundation Inc., three brave souls came forward to tell
their stories in a no holds barred encounter with the Life staff for this
month's TABLETALK at the Mandarin Oriental's Tin Hau Restaurant. In the
interest of privacy, we have ommitted their surnames.

Cherry's story

Mine was a dysfunctional family. I was never loved. I was yearning to be
loved. I was deprived of it. That's why I took drugs. The barkada
introduced me to it. It started when I was in college. I was 20 then.
Hanggang sa magtuloy-tuloy. Until I dropped out of school.

My parents learned that I was taking drugs, because I seldom went home. I
enjoyed the nightlife. Rain or shine, I was in the disco. That time, we
were taking cough syrup. Wala pa 'yang shabu. There was cocaine, but it was
very expensive. It went on for three to four years. One day, my father
bluffed me. He said we were going to Bicutan for a check-up. I was high at
the time. Kaya sama naman ako. Pagdating namin dun, iniwanan na n'ya 'ko.
So I cried when he left. I saw my father leave my things with the rehab's
staff.

Huli na nung mahimasmasan na ko. I was confined for rehabilitation in
Bicutan. I had to wake up four o'clock in the morning. At five o'clock, we
had to exercise. I had to follow rules or else there would be punishment.
They would make us carry pails of water up and down the stairs. Imagine,
girls carrying full pails of water to and from the second floor!

How was life inside the rehabilitation center?

Cherry: It was hell. I stayed there for six months. I never thought a place
like that existed. My father would visit me every weekend. I told him I was
having a hard time inside the rehab, because I already had scoliosis then.
Kaso sabi n'ya talagang ganyan, you have to follow the rules.

A nice thing happened though -- we had Bible studies every week. I found
the Lord there in Bicutan. That was the time I really prayed for the Lord
to help me. It must have worked, they got me as an office girl. Nalaman
nila na nagta-trabaho ako dati, kaya mas maganda na ang privileges ko.
Salamat! Nawala na 'yung pag-iigib ko.

While I was in Bicutan, I didn't have privacy. Kasi, sabay-sabay kami
naliligo. Hindi 'yung isa-isa kayo. Tapos, bibilangan ka pa habang
naliligo. Kailangan limang tabo lang ng tubig ang magagamit mo.

I was praying for God to make my stay there lighter, more bearable. It was
there that I experienced doing a hundred push-ups for a violation.

One time, we were caught smoking because of the cigarette butts we had left
in the room. One of the supervisors, we call them Mummy, saw the butts. You
know what she did? She collected all the butts, tapos pinakain sa 'min.
Kaya ako na ang naunang ngumuya. After that, I rushed to the comfort room
and brushed my teeth. When I came back, I saw the others chewing the butts
I had chewed full of saliva.

How did you recover from chemical dependence?

Cherry: After six months, I was released. I was thankful for I knew Jesus
Christ there as my Lord and Savior. With the Bible study we had there, I
realized his presence in my life. At the time, sa kanya lang ako kumapit.
But after a month, I went back on using drugs. This time, shabs naman. I
was still searching for somebody to love me. I went from one man to another
because I was really searching for that love. But I was only used and
abused. It was all due to the deprivation of that love I was searching for.
After a year, I felt God working in my life. You know what He did? He made
me feel so rotten inside. I felt I was decaying inside. For three months, I
was out. I started going to Grace Bible Church. I recovered from drugs and
surrendered myself to Christianity. Through prayers, I was able to fight
the temptation of going back to drugs. I consulted a doctor once in a
while, and he gave me some medicines to help me cope with the withdrawal
symptoms.

Chris' story

Separated ang parents ko. I didn't have a smooth relationship with my
siblings. I started using drugs when I was in high school. But I started
drinking and smoking when I was in first year high school. Later on, I used
the weed. Pag high ka sa weed, it's either kain ka ng kain o tawa ka ng
tawa. Ganun naman 'yun, peace brothers! Naging parte na siya ng ritual ko
after school hours. When I would feel I was getting a heavy dose, I would
always remind myself not to panic, it's just organic.

I got hooked on cough syrup also. When you use cough syrup, kailangan may
kasabay na alcohol,

A dependent is a person who continues to use or indulge despite negative
consequences. That's the simplest definition of dependency. Kung walang
negative consequence, technically, he hasn't crossed the line.

para mas swabe ang amats. Ako 'yung taga-bili sa pharmacy kasi ako daw yung
mukhang inosente. May reseta naman ng doktor. Hindi naman ako pinaghinalaan
na nagtuturok nung high school, maliit kasi ako. Alam na ng mga kasama ko
yung dapat isulat sa reseta, kaya na rin gayahin yung pirma ng doktor.

We had a ritual we called "complete sentence." Andyan na 'yung subject and
predicate. Ang subject namin, e, 'yung weed, predicate naman 'yung kasabay
namin na Ginagamit. We would take 60 ml na cough syrup, tapos magsisindi na
kami ng marijuana. Iinom na ng konti. Tapos 'yung Amphile naman. Hanggang
naging habitual. But I never considered that as an addiction. During that
time, okay lang kasi wala pang bumibigay sa grupo. There was a time I
wasn't using as much drugs, I was third year college then. Kaso dumating
'yung shabu.

Nag-high school ako sa Mindanao. Dumating ako sa point na pumunta kami sa
Osamis City para bumili ng mas murang drugs. Doon gramo-gramo ang bentahan,
sa Iligan kasi mas mahal na. Hanggang dumating sa punto na nagamit na namin
yung pagiging business-minded namin. Nagtulak kami para matustusan ang
bisyo namin.

Dahil nagluko nga ako nung high school, I took the DECS classes. I came to
Manila and studied college. When I was in first year, pahinga na ko sa
drugs. Wala na talaga. Kaso nu'ng nagtagal, di na nga ako tumitikim ng
kahit ano maliban sa shabu. Napabayaan ko uli 'yung pag-aaral ko, di na ako
nakakapasok.

But I wasn't your typical junkie na payat, malalim ang mata. Good boy 'yung
dating ko, malinis ang damit, plantsadong-planstado. I had a double
personality. Sa bahay mabait at tahimik ako, pero paglabas ng bahay
tumitira sa isang sulok.

Pag sa bisyong ito, marami kang makikilala. Mga anak ng influential na tao,
pero pag nasa session, pare-pareho na kayo. Anak ka man ng kung sinong opisyal.

For three days, we would not sleep, we would not go home. Nagsusunog ng
pera. I was just lucky that when I felt I was having too much, I would stop
for awhile. Ang iba kasi, nagsa-snap na lang sa session. Makikita mo
naggi-gitara na lang sa isang tabi. May mga namatay na rin dahil
nasobrahan. May mga nagdadala na ng tatay sa pot session. Mawawala na lang
sa sirkulasyon. Malalaman mo na lang na-ibenta na nila yung bahay nila.

During that time, I was demanding for extra atttention and love. I became
selfish. When I used rugby, dun ko nakita yung puno tumawid sa kalsada.
Grabe 'yun!

How did you recover from chemical dependence?

Chris: My sister introduced me to the Gospel. Doon nag-start mabago lahat.
Dati, ang philosophy ko, philosophy ni Bob Marley. I started attending
Bible studies and felt the sincerity of the people around me. I became more
curious learning the words of God. Later on, by reading the Bible, I
understood salvation and personal acceptance. I had to endure the
withdrawal syndrome. Although in my case, it wasn't physical, I just got
more depressed. Kaya naging alcoholic naman ako! Addiction pa rin. I
countered my depression every time I had a drink. Pero patikim-tikim pa rin
ng drugs. But now, I totally quit. Even smoking and drinking. Now, I'm a
sports buff.

Winston's story

I didn't have any reason at all; I don't blame my parents for my addiction.
Wala lang. Kasi boring e. Everything was just...so...boring. I didn't have
problems at home. Kaya nu'ng mauso 'yung skateboard, I was there. Gimik, I
was there. Drugs, boom! I was everywhere!

The number one thing you learn when you're into drugs is lie. When you lie,
bida ka pa sa barkada. Then, you get so far, you don't know who you are.
You start to make up an image of yourself. You lose friends and gain new
ones, except that the only way to strengthen your friendship is to share
money to get drugs. Drugs pa rin. Ang nakaka-awa 'yung mga lonely people,
who think that the best thing that happened in their lives was shabu. Sila
'yung mga hirap makalabas sa bisyong ganun. In my case, it's my wife who's
helping me.

I made the mistake of drawing the line between popularity and success. When
I was in high school, I used to leak out tests. I made money out of it in
college. I found a way to support my habit by moving things around, so to
speak. I'm not gonna say what things I moved around. Tapos, dun sa world na
ganun sa mga shady dealings, there's the presence of drugs. I didn't move
around drugs. I didn't push free loaders, no. I used the drugs to soften up
other people, to get me confidence. The sorriest thing I ever did was to
introduce people to drugs. If you ask my friends and say who taught you,
they'd say it's Winston. For me, it felt so good then. When I started, I
didn't know what I was doing. Basically, sometimes it wakes me up at night
and for no reason, I would run after my breath. Because I would remember
the lives na isinama ko dito. But from time to time, hell, I think, if they
didn't learn it from me, they would have learned it from someone else. But
the fact is they learned it from me.

How did you recover from chemical dependence?

Winston: I'm still in the process. To tell you honestly, four months ago I
smoked a joint with her brother (referring to his wife Gina, seated next to
him). (Laughter) We were fighting most of the time then. I really got this
close to the devil. Two months ago, I scored and I burned it. If you're
talking of recovery, you're not talking to the right person. I'm still
there. Delikadong-delikado pa ko ngayon. When you say ex-user and a user
drinking? No, you're not two hours away from a score. Not even an hour away
from a score. What I do now is tell my friends that I stopped already. I'm
33, and if I keep on doing this, I might not see my grandchildren. I'm
thinking about that now. I'm sober. When you're high, you don't think about
that. You don't even think of the next six hours. When you're high, you
just think of what's the next score and how to cover up your last score or
how you got your last score.

'Yung demography -- I mentioned in an article I wrote for Tribune -- if you
will make a nation of users, you'll have a president, a congressman, a
senator, everybody! A priest, a nun. You'll have a 14-year-old,
10-year-old. The youngest I've met was eight and the oldest was 60-plus. He
learned it when he was 15. Sabi niya, pampabata. P--, mamatay ka rin. Sa
Ilocos ko siya na-meet dati. There was a ship na hinarang ng coast guard
because of drugs. I read it in the newspaper. When I asked my friends, he
confirmed they had it. That was 1991. So I went to Ilocos. For only P100, I
bought some, nasa isang lata ng langis, tapos may kalakalawang pa.
Hinugasan ko sa tubig. May mga matatanda na may posisyon sa barangay, sila
yung gumagamit. It was like a privilege for them. I don't know where they
are now.

When I stopped taking shabu, I cut on drinking. But not so much. The first
time I met Cass, I was asking him kung pwede ba mag-cheat. (Laughter) But
it has something to do with your moderation and your desire to stop. I may
be talking like this now, but sometimes I get the urge to smoke and it's
really, really powerful sometimes. All you've got to do is to keep yourself
busy.

Gina: Last year, we were fighting really bad. He would do things that I
didn't know about. So the first thing that would come to mind was 'he might
be taking drugs again.' When I couldn't stand it anymore, I went to Cass.
He told me it was co-dependency that I was going through. When you are
involved with someone who takes drugs, maybe the wife, or a family member,
you are the co-dependent, because you suffer along with them.

Winston: Sorry.

Gina: Actually, I was called back for a couple of seminars, but I didn't
go. I had just started with my new job. But I wish....I should have gone
there. It would have taken away a lot of pain and anger. I don't know what
he's into and that was hard. Talagang traumatic. I was having a hard time,
too. Kasi napa-praning ako. He just had a drug test. Just to put
everybody's mind at ease.

Winston: Pero ang pinakamahirap 'yung mabawi ang image. Akala ko, nung
gumagamit ako, ang galing-galing ko magtago. 'Yun pala pinagbibigyan ka
lang. Hindi ko na-realize 'yun. Omigod, ang yabang-yabang ko pa.
Pinapaniwalaan mo lang yung gusto mong paniwalaan.

Cherry: I was traumatized. I would wake up from bad dreams. Talagang takot
na takot ako. It was because of the rehab.

Winston: I have bad dreams din. I would wake up in the middle of the night,
dreaming of using. You wake up and you can't sleep. Grabe!

Gina: What do you do?

Winston: You don't wanna know. (Laughter)

Gina: After you wake up?

Winston: You don't wanna know. (Laughter) I do something and I go back to
sleep. (Laughter)

Tribune to Gina: Was there ever a time you tried it yourself?

Gina: No, no, I'm scared!

Tribune: What can you tell us about your encounters and interviews with
people who use drugs? What was the first drug they used?

Gina: It varies, e. They started with smoking, drinking. But no one starts
with hard drugs. From my interviews, it's a progression. One common thing
is the social aspect, interaction. Coming from there, they do it by themselves.

What constitutes addiction? When can you say someone is already an addict?

Cass Syyap: How do we know chemical dependence? This is the politically
correct way to address them, because of the trauma stuck with the word
"addict." People in the First World try to avoid the word "addict." The
word they use is dependent -- dependent to chemicals.

For chemically dependent people, there is no stereotype anymore. You can be
this yuppie, a graduate of a good school and belonging to a good family, or
you can be a less fortunate person who is buying it from a stable career.
It's not even based on the frequency. For example, in alcoholics, often
people would say he's an alcoholic because he drinks everyday. Another
would say he's an alcoholic because he drinks once a month. As a therapist,
I would look deeper. Because you may have a person who takes a glass of
wine everyday; compare that to a person who drinks once a month, but
finishes a bottle of vodka and crashes the car and beats up his wife when
he gets home. So whose the alcoholic? The one who drinks everyday or the
one who drinks once a month? Who's the one with a problem? What's the
definition then?

A dependent is a person who continues to use or indulge despite negative
consequences. That's the simplest definition of dependency. Kung walang
negative consequence, technically, he hasn't crossed the line. So what is a
social drinker and what is an alcoholic? When drinking leads to negative
consequences. Anything that's negative. It can be a hysical or medical
problem; car or vehicle accident; weight loss; bad complexion. Emotional
problems may lead to legal problems, an arrest, fights within the marriage,
fights within the family. Spiritual problems include turning your back on
God, values or morals. Or financial problems: running out of money or
issuing bad checks.

It's like when you indulge in a lot in food: if it doesn't result in any
negative consequence, then it's not addiction. You apply that to alcohol,
drugs, or gambling or whatever, and you would see magkakagulo 'yung tao.
It's just a matter of time. If he progresses and gets out of control and
reaches the bottom. The bottom is when your world is closing in already.
Iba-iba na, nagkakapatong-patong na. May problema na sa pera, may problema
na sa asawa, may depression na. Because addiction really will affect most
aspects of your life -- biological, physical, medical... And as an
addiction therapist, that's what we used to see. We cannot trace it to
self-report alone because there's the word denial. So we need collateral
information from the family, employer, best friend. Usually, when we meet
the dependent, he would tell you, 'I don't have a problem.' When I say, can
we meet the family? Often, the wife or the family has a different story.
He's saying this thing, she's saying this thing. At that point, I cannot
base it solely on the report of the dependent, because part of the
addiction, like you say, you have to go on a denial stage or minimizing
your consequences. So that it appears not so bad.

Why does a person resort to that? Because of the shame and the trauma. It
is easier to admit almost anything aside from addiction. It's easier to
admit that I didn't finish school, my marriage failed. But once you say, I
have a problem with drugs, society, automatically, shuts down on you. Ang
tingin sa'yo outcast. Mas malala ka pa sa may leprosy. When you look at it
that way, it's natural for a dependent to be in denial. I don't want
anybody to look down on me. So what happens? I will pretend that I am okay.
I will dress up in my designer clothes and get to work. But the other side
of me is already suffering.

And it's not only on the part of the dependent; it's also on the part of
the parents or co-dependents. To admit that my husband is like this, or my
son is like this, but I'm the mother or I'm the dad, and I am a successful
businessman, e 'yung anak ko nagkagan'to na. So what happens? Let's not
talk about it. Let's sweep it under the rug. It's still the case,
unfortunately. They (parents) don't want to loosen up until they reach a
point that they don't have any choice because the person is arrested or
nakapatay ng tao, nakasagahasa. For a person or a family in denial, only a
situation like that can wake them up. That's when education comes in. If we
can educate them to stop looking the situation like that, we can actually
break the denial.

What causes chemical dependence and how do you get out of it?

Cass: A lot of it is based on what's called a behavioral model, where a
person does drugs dahil walang disiplina. Hindi kayang magdisiplina ng
sarili niya. Therefore, walang internal fortitude. If you look at it that
way, who wants to admit they're palpak? From the behavioral model, you're
either weak or bad, yun ang belief nila. Kaya you become addicted because
you don't have that capacity to say "no" and you have some criminal tendencies.

The next model is the psychosocial, which is the belief that a person
becomes addicted because of cultural and environmental factors, like broken
homes, economic chances in life and peer pressure. You can see it is more
humane because you take the focus away from the dependent. Kaya hindi nila
kayang ituwid ang buhay nila is because of external factors. What kind of
home did he grew up in? What was his educational level? To the point of
looking at the steroetype of some cultures that are more prone to
addiction. This model takes away the shame and the guilt from the
dependent. But it creates a blame on external factors. 'I wouldn't be like
this if my parents didn't separate' or 'siguro di ako nagkaganito if dad
gave me a capital for my business.' It is effective in taking the blame
away from the dependent, but it puts the blame on the rest of the society
in general. So we've been looking for another one.

Some time in 1940, a relatively new theory came up. Two people came accross
what's called the medical or disease model. It was born out of the need to
look deeper into a person and why addiction happened. And they found out
that addiction can be traced from a genetic pattern. There is a genetic
pattern much like hypertension or diabetes. Napapasa pala siya from one
generation to another. At least, in terms of chemical addiction. Put it
this way, if you look at the history of your family, you will see the
obssessive pattern in the people within the family. There should be an
uncle, an aunt, a cousin, lolo, or lola, who had this tendency. Any of them
may have some form of obssessive behavior. The study became controversial
because the society wasn't open to it. But with clinical research some time
in the '70s, it slowly became part of genetic science. So they were already
able to see the pattern. I have here an article stating that "addiction is
a brain disease with biological patterns." It's not only about discipline.
It's not the only one that causes the problem. [For a copy of the article,
please email life@tribune.net.ph or call the numbers below.]

Last year, I had eight female patients. Five of those patients have
complete families, meaning they have moms and dads. Three are from broken
families. So hindi lang pamilya ang pinagmumulan ng problema. Kasi mas
marami pa rin ang may buong pamilya sa mga nagiging chemical dependent. If
it is economics naman, how come it affects both the poor and the very rich?
Addiction respects no environment or cultural factor, because it's an
illness. Like cancer, you can be rich or poor, pag ikaw nagka-kanser na,
nagka-kanser ka.

The way out is to manage the illness. Go into rehabilitation, a humane way
of rehabilitation, like the one we advocate in the Recovery Circle
Foundation. For an individual under rehab, you have to be more vigilant.
Stop going to bars, don't smoke and keep expressing your feelings.
Addiction respects no age, race, economic standing and educational
attainment. Pag ikaw natamaan nun, that's it. Addiction could hit anybody.

(The Recovery Circle Foundation Inc. offers a 45-day rehabilitation program
for dependents, which integrates physiological, psychological, social and
spiritual therapies. For more information, contact the Foundation at
telephone numbers 912-7929 or 9115934. Visit their offices at 25 Kingsville
St., White Plains, Quezon City or their Web site at
www.recovery-circle.org. E-mail eosregalado.pacific.net.ph.)