'THIS TIME I STAYED STRONG'

Five months after rehab, five women tell us how they're doing. All say
returning to daily life was even tougher than getting clean

Isabel Teotonio Staff reporter

Karen still has dreams about using. She lifts the crack pipe and
purses her lips. But just as she is about to inhale, she wakes up.

The dreams occur almost nightly and have been the biggest threat to
her recovery. But she never caves in to temptation. Last week, she
celebrated six months of clean and sober living.

"Since I was 14, this is probably the longest time I've been sober,"
says Karen. Nowadays, she's hooked on "cigarettes and coffee."

The Star first met Karen in early January, at the start of a 24-day,
abstinence-based rehabilitation program at Hope Place Women's
Treatment Centre in Milton. She was among five women the Star stayed
in touch with for five months as they tried to recover.

Over the past week, the Star ran individual stories on these women,
snapshots taken at different points on their road to recovery. We
caught up with them again last week, to see how they were doing five
months out of rehab.

As tough as rehab was, returning home and making it through life,
without booze and drugs, was far tougher. There were run-ins with drug
dealers, relapses, suicidal thoughts, fights with relatives, bitter
breakups and tearful reconciliations.

Some women became regulars at Alcoholics Anonymous meetings and
attended after-care programs, which help addicts prevent relapses.
Others did not.

There were meetings with the Children's Aid Society about regaining
custody of their children, trips to court to obtain restraining orders
and visits to the hospital.

At one end of the spectrum is Karen, the only woman who has not
relapsed, and at the other end is Lianne, who is "once again out of
control" and getting high almost every day on crack cocaine.

"It's important to make a distinction between `rehab' as a place and
`rehabilitation' as a process," says Jacqie Shartier, executive
director of Hope Place Centres.

"In the same way that we wouldn't expect a newly diagnosed diabetic to
be cured or fixed 24 days after starting a healthy diet, we can view
24 days in rehab as being the beginning of a lifelong process of recovery."

TINA, 20, Almonte, Ont. Drugs of choice: alcohol, marijuana, crack
cocaine

After rehab, Tina enrolled in an alternative high school, went to AA
meetings and dumped her 17-year-old boyfriend after CAS warned her she
would not regain custody of her baby without making big lifestyle changes.

In the following months, she dropped out of school, got a restraining
order against the boyfriend and stopped going to AA meetings. She
still sees an addictions counsellor.

She has relapsed twice on alcohol. She now hangs around a 28-year-old
she calls "darling" but insists he is only a "good friend."

She hopes to have her son home by the fall.

VERONICA, 28, Port Colborne, Ont. Drugs of choice: alcohol and crack
cocaine

After rehab, she and her pot-smoking boyfriend moved to the outskirts
of town to avoid temptations so she could stay clean to regain custody
of her baby girl. Initially, there were a few booze-filled nights.

In May, they were penniless and had to move. By then she had stopped
going to AA meetings. The stress caused her to relapse with crack.

She's beginning to understand her cravings. One weekend she had a
feeling she was going to use, so she checked herself into a women's
detox for relapse prevention.

Now, she goes to weekly after-care and AA meetings. She also does
one-on-one counselling. "It's hard for me to be around family when
they have drinks. They figure I should get used to it," says Veronica,
not her real name. "But at the same time, I think they should be sensitive."

CATHERINE, 37, Burlington, Ont. Drugs of choice: Percocet and
OxyContin

After rehab, the stay-at-home mom, hooked on prescription painkillers,
was clean for a little while. But the pain and depression worsened, so
she was prescribed less-addictive medication. Nothing worked.

She stopped going to AA and after-care meetings, but still saw a
psychiatrist. She relapsed on Percocet and contemplated suicide.

She was recently diagnosed with bipolar disorder and attention deficit
disorder and is now on the right medication. Once again, she is
"excited about life."

"I have no desire to take anything to alter my mood," says Catherine,
not her real name. "I'm excited about doing stuff with the kids."

She hopes to find work in the fall.

KAREN, 27, Kitchener, Ont. Drugs of choice: alcohol and crack
cocaine

After five times in a residential rehab program, Karen hopes she has
kicked the habit. In the past, her depression and bipolar disorder led
her back to the crack pipe. So she is extra vigilant about her
cravings and her mental health.

She still goes to AA and after-care meetings. She hopes to regain full
custody of her baby boy later this year. Recent hair tests show she's
drug-free so she is allowed unsupervised visits.

In rehab, she broke up with her boyfriend, also an addict, but gave
him another chance when she returned home because he tried to get
clean. But they fought often, so she recently broke up with him. Again.

In the past, the stress of their relationship caused her to relapse.

"This time I stayed strong because I know if I would have (relapsed) I
would've lost my son," said Karen, not her real name. "I'm not going
to let (my ex-boyfriend) win this time."

LIANNE, 25, Brampton. Drugs of choice: marijuana and crack cocaine

Her first night out of rehab, Lianne smoked a celebratory joint. But
she planned to steer clear of crack and focus on her twins. The babies
were given to her mother to care for and Lianne tried to be there for
them.

She felt "overwhelmed" but was coping and attending after-care
meetings.

But in the spring, a physical fight with an ex-boyfriend left her body
bruised and her nerves rattled. Crack eased the pain.

Her twins were returned to foster care in May and her downward spiral
accelerated.

Lianne says she wished she could have stayed at Hope Place for longer
than 24 days. She now wants to get into a day treatment program in
Mississauga's Credit Valley Hospital but says she has no money to get
there.

"When I'm stoned and I'm way on the jones I think, `What am I doing?
I'm a bad mother. I should just give them up,'" says Lianne, who can't
fathom the thought of losing her year-old babies.

"Maybe they'd be better off somewhere else. But then where am I gonna
be? I'll end up dying by the time I'm 30."