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You Know Your An Alcoholic When...
| Good [+1]Toggle ReplyLink» Screwhead a répondu le Thu 16 Jan, 2003 @ 9:44pm |
 Coolness: 685645 | ...Everyone you know calls you tipsy, even when your sober. :)
(Actually, THIS is the real list) The bartender asks for your I.D. just to see how long it'll take you to find your pants. Two weeks into the bender you found out “Drink Canada Dry” was a corporate slogan, not a challenge. For the money you’ve spent on Thunderbird, you could have bought the car. You know that vodka is tasteless going down, but memorable coming up. You say when your drunk what you think when you’re sober. You know the best beer in the world is the one in your hand. Beer does not make you fat. It makes you lean— against bars, poles and tables. You always drink Irish Coffee for breakfast because it contains all four adult food groups: fat, sugar, caffeine and alcohol. You don't drink anymore . . . of course, you don't drink any less, either. Your bartender never has to ask, “Do you want another?” You recognize that vomiting is just the body’s way of making room for another round. You distrust camels or anything else that can go a week without a drink. You're favorite method of dieting is the “Slim Jim”: Ultra Slim-Fast shakes made with Jim Beam. Absolut wants to run an ad featuring a picture of your liver in the shape of a bottle. You only drink to get rid of hangovers, and sometimes it takes all night. You know if you give up drinking you won’t actually live longer — it’ll just seem like longer. You spend ninety percent of your paycheck on drinking and waste the rest. You fell down two flights of stairs and didn’t spill a drop. You don’t mind blacking out because it makes Sunday confession much less embarrassing. When you wake up hungover you’re afraid you’ll die. Half an hour later you’re afraid you’ll live. You wonder why people need friends when you can just sit in a room and drink all day. You believe the only Absolut(e) in life is vodka. You went on a diet, swore off drinking and bar food, and in fourteen days you lost two weeks. Booze may not be the answer, but it helps you to forget the question. You exist in a perfect Zen circle: you drink because your wife nags and she nags because you drink. You got so drunk on St. Patrick’s day it seemed like every other day. You must have a drink by eleven, it’s a deed that must be done. If you can’t have a drink by eleven, you must have eleven by one. If a man gave you a fish and you’d eat for a day. If he taught you to fish you’d sit in a boat and drink beer all day. If it weren’t for the olives in your martinis, you’d starve to death. When your spirits get low, you use a straw. You’d go on the wagon, but can’t find one with a bar. You always cook with wine. Sometimes you even add it to the food. You drink a bottle of wine everyday. Unless you’re sick. Then you drink two. You refer to grapes as “wine eggs.” You can walk into a 7-11 at 2am, look at the cheese dog that’s been mutating on the grill since 8am and think, “Man, that looks tasty!” You know liquor gets better with age, because the older you get the more you like it. You only drink to steady your nerves. Sometimes you get so steady you have to be carried out. You drink to make other people appear cool enough to hang out with you. Quitting drinking is the easiest thing in the world. You’ve done it a thousand times. You have a reserved parking space at four different liquor stores. You woke up feeling really strange, then realized you didn’t have a hangover. With a bottle of Passport Scotch and a suitcase of Stroh’s you can go on vacation without ever leaving your house. You never drink anything stronger than vodka before breakfast. You make a point of never drinking before noon. Which is convenient, because you’re never up before three in the afternoon. One of your hobbies is sitting down and calculating exactly how much liquor your next paycheck would buy at the liquormart. Just out of curiosity, of course. Your co-workers start whispering with concern when you don’t come in with hangover. Your boss tells you to “Shape up or ship out,” and you reply, “You mean like a cruise ship? Are the drinks expensive on cruise ships?” The whole terrorism deal became very clear to you when you found out muslims aren’t allowed to drink. You wish you were closer to Jesus, especially when he’s doing his wine to water thing. A cold cement floor looks comfortable and inviting. You wish temperance leagues still sang anti-drinking religious hymns outside bars, because, you know, it’d be a very funny thing to watch while getting hammered. You think alcohol-fueled automobiles are the wave of the future because, hey, it certainly works for you. You think a wrong number is an adequate excuse to go on a bender. “Going out for a beer or two” sometimes means waking up in Vegas three days later. You hated Ted Kennedy until you realized he can probably outdrink you. You always confuse the words picture and pitcher, especially when someone says, “Hey, take my picture.” You happen to share the same home town, ethnicity, lifestyle, opinions, occupation or whatever-the-hell of whoever happens to be buying the drinks. You consider vodka a chaser. Your roommates say good morning to you and you haven’t been to bed yet. You volunteered to work for free for NASA when you heard about the gas clouds in space containing billions of gallons of alcohol. You know a bottle of Jack under your bed is worth a million bottles in the liquor store after midnight. You have told a bartender: “I didn’t hear anyone yell last call. How could I? I was in the bathroom, vomiting in your urinal.” Half the bouncers in town know exactly how much you weigh. You know that time is never wasted when you’re wasted all the time. You use Calvin Klien’s new aftershave, but don’t really care for the aftertaste. You refer to your mouth as your “booze hole.” You wish bartenders would spend more time ‘tending’ and less time ‘barring.’ The first thing you say when you walk in a bar is, “I’m not still 86’d, am I?” You’d go to Mass more often if they weren’t so stingy with the wine. When you were in high school you had a poster of W.C. Fields on your bedroom wall. You drank ten bottles of wine last week and didn’t need a corkscrew once. You prefer Hamm’s and eggs for breakfast, minus the eggs. The rotgut whiskey you buy is so disgusting you have to drink the first half the bottle just so you’ll be drunk enough to put up with the taste of the second half. Whenever someone starts reading a bottle of Jack Daniels you say, “Quit cheating!” You don’t sniff the cork, you chew it. Your career is interfering with your drinking. You get so drunk Bud Light starts tasting like beer. You heard you get drunker at higher altitudes so you always drink on top of the dumpster. Your alarm clock is a garbage truck. You’ve worked out a devious plot to steal Einstein’s brain. So you can drink the alcohol it’s stored in. You masturbate to the liquor ads in Playboy. You show up at the flu clinic to investigate rumors of "free shots." You have a born-on date tattooed on your beer gut. You hold a bottle of hair spray and say, "Man, if you were ice cold." You're addressed by three separate liquor store owners as "the guy who paid for my houseboat." You often confuse the word breakfast with Bloody Marys, i.e., "What are we going to have for Bloody Marys this morning?" You know that liquor is especially tasty when it comes from the secret hiding place in your roommates's closet. You can, in a pinch, construct a fully-operational keg tap from a cigarette lighter, two clothespins and lots of love. You get in a heated conversation with your barstool neighbor about the proper way to vomit from a moving vehicle. At 2am you proclaim, "The party ain't over until the fat lady says no!" You need a cosigner to open a bar tab. The monkey on your back is in rehab. You know that, with a bouncer's assistance, man in capable of short-term flight. You have recurring dream you're hired by the GuinnessPlayboy Research foundation to prove twenty pints a day improves your sex life. You often take your lover for romantic strolls among the picturesque aisles of liquor superstores. You will eat a bug for a shot. You know wine is mentioned in the Bible over 250 times. Perrier? Not once! You have strained cigarette-butt infested beer through your teeth. You consider 3.2 beer on Sunday as Uncle Sam's cruel taunt. You can hear someone whisper "free beer" from three blocks away. You know the heartbreak of watching the bartender dump the spill tray. You call the bartending academy, inquiring as to what they do with their mistakes. You refer to your refrigerator as "the stand-up beer cooler." You give directions with liquor stores and bars the the major landmarks, i.e., "You'll pass Argonaut's Liquors on the left and Scooter's on the right, then turn right on the street between the Satire Lounge and the Lion's Lair, then continue until you see the tree that looks like a huge martini glass." The first thing you look for on a wine label is the alcohol content. You consider Aqua Velvet a daring after-hours liqueur. You recognize last call as a secret signal that all unattended drinks are fair game. When someone says "expensive wine," you think "gallon jug." Four years of research and three hours of writing went into your masterful college thesis, "MD 2020: Self-Esteem Enhancer For the Leisure Classes, or Cancer Cure for the Working Masses?" |
| Good [+1]Toggle ReplyLink» mdc a répondu le Thu 16 Jan, 2003 @ 9:48pm |
 Coolness: 148870 | wow!
thats a lot... where do you find this shit man?? haha! its great! |
| Good [+1]Toggle ReplyLink» Screwhead a répondu le Thu 16 Jan, 2003 @ 9:55pm |
| Coolness: 685645 | Occaisionally, I get really, REALLY bored and decide to look up random things when I'm not masturbating.
Like, for instance, this Stanford site containing a movie of Narcoleptic Dogs (Be warned, you need a decompressor that handles BinHex files and they're in MOV format) |
| Good [+1]Toggle ReplyLink» mdc a répondu le Thu 16 Jan, 2003 @ 9:56pm |
| Coolness: 148870 | wow... thats all... wow |
| Good [+1]Toggle ReplyLink» neoform a répondu le Thu 16 Jan, 2003 @ 9:57pm |
 Coolness: 339720 | haha silly mac's |
| Good [+1]Toggle ReplyLink» Screwhead a répondu le Thu 16 Jan, 2003 @ 10:06pm |
| Coolness: 685645 | Looking back at that list, I must bow my head in shame.
You make a point of never drinking before noon. Which is convenient, because you’re never up before three in the afternoon. yup, that was actually my excuse 3 years ago. One of your hobbies is sitting down and calculating exactly how much liquor your next paycheck would buy at the liquormart. Just out of curiosity, of course. Been there, too. You know that time is never wasted when you’re wasted all the time. I've been living by that slogan for the last 4 years. You get in a heated conversation with your barstool neighbor about the proper way to vomit from a moving vehicle. I've had this discussion. Later that night, it was proved to me that opening the door and vomiting works better than vomiting out the window, because it's too high up. (By the way, the driver of said car was the arguing person, and this occured on the met at 4:30 am) |
| Good [+1]Toggle ReplyLink» mdc a répondu le Thu 16 Jan, 2003 @ 10:07pm |
| Coolness: 148870 | hahaha!!
on the met... always a good place to be opening the car door |
| Good [+1]Toggle ReplyLink» Screwhead a répondu le Thu 16 Jan, 2003 @ 10:12pm |
| Coolness: 685645 | No matter how drunk or stoned I am, I will *NEVER* get into a car with someone that's had more than one beer.
With the exception of Tony. we split roughly 40 shots of JD, me having only 17 and him having the rest, not counting all the beer that was drank (roughly 6 pitchers a person) and after all that, I still trust his driving more than people who've drank, say, 2 beers. Scott knows who I mean. :) (Asmo!!!) |
| Good [+1]Toggle ReplyLink» neoform a répondu le Thu 16 Jan, 2003 @ 10:13pm |
| Coolness: 339720 | you've never seen me drink then.
heh heh heh |
| Good [+1]Toggle ReplyLink» mdc a répondu le Thu 16 Jan, 2003 @ 10:15pm |
| Coolness: 148870 | ian used to drive after drinking... a lot!
then he found out that i can drive and used me as a designated driver |
| Good [+1]Toggle ReplyLink» PookStah a répondu le Thu 16 Jan, 2003 @ 10:15pm |
| Coolness: 105970 | rofl......fred (spooky), ur too much!
-------->altering perception alters the claims reality makes on you. |
| Good [+1]Toggle ReplyLink» Screwhead a répondu le Fri 27 Jun, 2003 @ 8:17pm |
| Coolness: 685645 | *bump* |
| Good [+1]Toggle ReplyLink» daFTWin a répondu le Fri 27 Jun, 2003 @ 8:22pm |
 Coolness: 276490 | When you barf outside a night club and you lie to the bouncer who just watched you do it.. cause he saw you doo it the night before. |
| Good [+1]Toggle ReplyLink» AlienZeD a répondu le Mon 30 Oct, 2006 @ 3:59pm |
 Coolness: 509615 | shut up! I'm dot nrunk! |
| I'm feeling mondays right now.. | |
| Good [+1]Toggle ReplyLink» Phoenix a répondu le Tue 7 Nov, 2006 @ 3:21pm |
 Coolness: 81745 | When you look like this guy....
 |
| I'm feeling you up right now.. | |
| Good [+1]Toggle ReplyLink» AlienZeD a répondu le Wed 8 Nov, 2006 @ 1:40pm |
| Coolness: 509615 | when you look like this guy
 |
| I'm feeling coffexpresso right now.. | |
| Good [+1]Toggle ReplyLink» djpsychokitty a répondu le Wed 8 Nov, 2006 @ 1:41pm |
 Coolness: 47480 | OH TABARNAK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
COME ON!!!! |
| I'm feeling updating right now.. | |
| Good [+1]Toggle ReplyLink» AlienZeD a répondu le Wed 8 Nov, 2006 @ 1:42pm |
| Coolness: 509615 | Santa Claus is coming to town... drunk! |
| I'm feeling coffexpresso right now.. | |
| Good [+1]Toggle ReplyLink» a.POSFORD a répondu le Wed 8 Nov, 2006 @ 1:43pm |
 Coolness: 75535 | COME ON! CALISS. :) |
| I'm feeling you in my pants right now.. | |
| Good [+1]Toggle ReplyLink» Phoenix a répondu le Wed 8 Nov, 2006 @ 2:06pm |
| Coolness: 81745 | I just threw up in my mouth a little bit... |
| I'm feeling you up right now.. | |
You Know Your An Alcoholic When...
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