BEFORE I CAN GET CANNABIS ON THE NHS, I'M MADE TO REMEMBER SHOPPING LISTS

Sorry to disappoint all you dope smokers out there, but marijuana
legalisation isn't something I get worked up about. If it's legalised,
fine. If it isn't, so be it. So why was I sitting in the waiting room at
the Institute of Neurology on Monday, desperately hoping that I'd get free
dope from the cannabis-in-multiple sclerosis trial? I can tell you that it
wasn't in the hope of getting a safe supply of Lebanese White Widow. It
never did much for me.

Apparently cannabis helps some people with walking difficulties. And since
this is a rather cheaper and safer method than a clandestine meeting with
some spotty teenager with a Nirvana T-shirt in a Colchester subway, I
joined the trial queue. Acquiring the weed this way isn't simple. First you
have to be assessed. Hence last week's trip (pardon the pun) to Queen's
Square in London's Bloomsbury. The Institute of Neurology is a bit swankier
than the hospitals I've attended recently. It's got mosaics on the floor,
and lurid portraits of the late Princess of Wales on the walls. First I had
to see Emma the physiotherapist. Emma spent some time wiggling my arms and
legs around, scoring my limbs for spasticity. My right leg's a two,
apparently. She was undecided about my left, but gave it a one. Whatever
that means. Then it was time to see the doctor. He looked alarmingly
younger than me - but then so does Carter in ER, and he's good, so I
mustn't judge. Anyway, this doctor was called Rory, as is my one-year-old,
so I gave him the benefit of the doubt.

Rory asked some questions, then gave me the verdict. "I'm delighted to tell
you that you've been accepted for the trial." Delighted? So was I,
actually. I don't think I could have stood the rejection.

So much for the good news. Now for the bad. "You understand that you can't
go abroad while you're on the trial?"

"Abroad? No."

"We're going to provide you with sufficient quantity to merit arrest for
intent to supply. I'll give you this card you can wave at any UK policeman
- - but it won't impress foreign cops." Great. Not that I have any plans to
go abroad, mind. But the prospect of having my collar felt by a Turkish
rozzer was depressing anyway. "And you can't drive either. I'm going to
have to inform the Home Office of your intention to participate in the
trial. If you crash a car while taking an illegal substance, that's a
criminal offence."

So. No driving for three months. No foreign travel. David Blunkett gets a
file on me. And the ordeal wasn't over yet. There was still the
psychological test to endure.

Everyone knows that MS makes you fall over, bump into things and so on. But
it can also make you a bit... you know... thingy... whatchemacallit...
forgetful. And so can cannabis. Put the two together and what have you got?
Where was I?

So the sadists at Queen's Square dreamt up a series of trials to test
memory and speed of thinking. The first bit was a cinch - just a list of
hard-to-pronounce words to read out. Even though I work for the Independent
on Sunday, I don't use "demesne" very often, but it all seemed rather
easy-peasy.

Then the test got harder. A tape was played, with a relentless list of
numbers to add up. The tape went rather faster than my brain, and I think I
flunked that one. Finally, the decider. A shopping list. I've always been
bad at shopping lists. Even on a normal trip to Somerfield, I always forget
something. Usually the cheese. That unforgiving glare from my wife as she
unpacks... Oh God. And this list went on for ever. "Paprika, jacket, drill,
parsley, vest..." I tried doing one of those mind maps you often read about
in the silly season. A mental tour of Somerfield. (Paprika? It's by the
Maldon salt.) But that didn't work because there were so many items that my
local supermarket doesn't stock. They don't do jackets in Halstead
Somerfield. By this time, the psychologist was at the end of the list. And
she wanted me to repeat it. Five times. Images of my wife's scorning face
shimmered in front of my eyes. I remembered about three items. And I
haven't even started on the drugs yet.