HERE'S A GROOVY FARM SOLUTION

Why Prairie The Pinch From Their Federally Subsidized U.S. Counterparts
Should Let Their Fields Go To Weed Farmers Feeling

Prairie farmers are in trouble.

This time it's not too hot, too dry, too cold or even too wet. OK, maybe
it's too cold.

But I have high hopes about that Global Warming stuff not turning the
entire planet into an uninhabitable desert forcing us to burrow into the
ground where, after several generations, the human race turns into
cannibalistic Mole People who wander in sewers hunting telemarketers.

No, this time it's the Americans who have passed something called the U.S.
farm bill that offers huge price subsidies to anyone wearing a John Deere
hat who has a reasonable grasp about whether it's better to spray weeds at
the three-or four-leaf stage.

The subsidies mean U.S. farmers can sell their crops cheaper than Canadian
farmers because their government is giving them $105 billion US ($350
gazillion Cdn) worth of support.

The Canadian government has a similar subsidy program for Quebec heavy
industry and golf courses.

Recently, it has become painfully evident the Canadian government knows
little or nothing about farming.

There is no shame in this.

In fact, even I know little or nothing about growing plants in the rich,
dark soil I buy every year from Harriet's House of Horticulture, one of the
many establishments in the city that sells everything the average homeowner
needs to culture a hort.

The truth is, if it wasn't for farmers, I'd be wandering through the sewers
tracking down something suitable for Saturday's barbecue right now because
the only thing ever edible in Billy's Garden is whatever I can scrape off
the fast food wrappers that blow in from the burger joint across the street.

Anyway, it would be nice if we could give our farmers $105 billion US. The
sad fact, however, is $105 billion represents the entire cash supply of
Canada and it has already been earmarked for things like much-needed
private jets for cabinet ministers.

Luckily, I have discovered other solutions which would help our farmers and
get the feds out from an embarrassing problem that came to light the other day.

We all know by now the federal government has failed in its attempts to
grow medical marijuana in underground mines in Flin Flon, Man.

The fact that Canada has 9,215,430 square kilometres of land actually above
ground where many crops traditionally grow seemed to be missed by officials
in the federal Health Department.

I'm sure most of us, even those with hamburger-wrapper gardens, probably
wouldn't say "underground mine," if someone asked us where we would grow a
plant if we had to grow one.

Also forgotten was the adage: "You will reap what you sow." They seem to
have sown 185 varieties of pot, the result, presumably, of not being aware
most agricultural experts agree you should read the label on the package
before sticking the seed into the ground.

The trick with medical marijuana is to grow a plant that will give you a
predictable bang for the buck. Too little bang and it doesn't work. Too
much bang and the patient starts "feeling groovy" and voting New Democrat.

Finally, the federal farmers missed looking on the Internet where "how to
grow marijuana" sites outnumber even "look at naked people" sites three to one.

I could be wrong about this, but it occurs to me that Canadian farmers are
really, really good at growing things and tend not to grow cash crops in
underground mines in Flin Flon, Man.

And if they are in trouble because the U.S. is handing out free money at
levels that would make even a Canadian Liberal blush, then would it not
seem reasonable to let farmers grow enough medical marijuana to keep them
afloat until the Americans run out of cash?

If Canada is going to pot, we might as well do it right.

Comments? Questions? Tokin' gesture?