YOUNG MOTHER TRYING TO CHANGE

I am currently incarcerated at the Aroostook County Jail. I am being
held on the charge of possession of scheduled drugs, a Class C felony.

At the age of 13, I began smoking marijuana and drinking
occasionally. I was hanging around with older people, mostly men, and
putting myself in situations that no young teen should be in.

At 15, I got pregnant with my first daughter and stopped my drug use
completely. Soon after she was born, though, I started using opiates.
It wasn't long before I was hooked. I started to forget what was
really important in my life.

As my addiction progressed and my tolerance got higher, I started
stealing from people - cash, checks, electronics - and doing whatever
it took to get my fix.

My second daughter was born shortly after I turned 18. At this time
in my life, nothing much mattered to me besides getting high. I was
sick, not eating and not getting proper sleep. I looked like I was
ready to die, and I felt like it, too.

Although during this time my kids were clothed, fed, and had a roof
over their heads, I was not giving them the love, attention, and
guidance that every child needs.

In 2003, I lost a close friend to suicide due to his drug addiction.
Most people would look at this as an eye-opener, but for me, it was
an excuse to use more drugs. I started using needles and stopped
caring about everything except my drugs. I had lost control and lost myself.

DHS got involved in my life and my children went into state custody.
Luckily, they were placed with my mother, for whom I am so thankful.
If it wasn't for her, I don't know where my kids or I would be right
now. The loss of my children, being evicted from my apartment, and
losing the trust of my loved ones - it was all just another excuse
for me to use more. I figured I had nothing left - why clean up?

Since then I have been in jail nine times and have made several
attempts at completing inpatient rehabilitation. In 2004, I spent
31/2 months in rehab and got kicked out for using drugs. Three days
later, I was arrested again for theft and forgery and spent six
months locked up. I was released in November and thought I was ready
to face the world. I went home to my kids, but nothing about my life
had changed. I had no job, no place of my own, and the same friends.
After a month or so, I was right back where I had been a year
earlier, sticking a needle in my arm.

In February 2005 I hooked up with an old friend and we became very
close, but we were using heavily together. At this point, my drug use
was worse than ever. I lost 30 pounds in the course of about a month,
I was drifting away from my children again and I didn't even see it happening.

In April my boyfriend and I both were arrested for possession of
heroin. He was released to a drug monitoring program in June and
shortly after died of an overdose. I spent the month of September in
a 28-day rehab, which I completed, but had to return directly to jail
afterwards. I am now waiting to be sentenced in December.

I am 21 years old now. Out of the last two years, I have spent a year
in and out of jail. I've missed birthdays and holidays and have
watched so many people die because of drug addiction. I can fit
everything I own in two suitcases. I can honestly say that this is
not where I thought I'd be at 21.

I had forgotten what I set out to do, what life was really about, and
most importantly, who I was. I don't want my kids growing up to hear
that their mom is a junkie, a thief and a bad mother. I want them to
be proud of me and look up to me.

It kills me to think of how I have hurt the people I love, but I have
to keep telling myself it will only get better from here. I have a
chance that some people will never again have and I plan on taking
full advantage of it.

For so long I was worried about what people would think of me if I
actually told the truth about my addiction, but the only thing that
matters to me now is a good, healthy relationship with myself, my
kids, and my family and friends. This is my chance to make that happen.

I may have another high in me, but I'm not so sure I have another recovery.

Please join our weekly conversation about Maine's substance abuse
problem. Mail your comments or questions to Finding a Fix, Bangor
Daily News, P.O. Box 1329, Bangor 04401. Comments also may be phoned
to the column response line, (207) 990-8111 or emailed to
findingafix@bangordailynews.net. You may choose to remain anonymous
or to have your name used. If you need help getting your thoughts
down on paper, column editor Meg Haskell will be happy to work with
you. Call Meg at (207) 990-8291 or toll-free at (800)432-7964, or
email her at mhaskell@bangordailynews.net.