IF HARRIS TAKES DRUG TEST, HE CAN STILL HAVE THAT RAISE

Good on the Tories for making welfare recipients submit to drug tests. When
you're handing out hard-earned tax dollars to ne'er-do-wells and
good-for-nothings, you want to know exactly how they're spending it.

Okay, so maybe there's no proof people on welfare have a higher incidence
of drug abuse than the rest of the population. Big deal. Test them all, I
say, and don't be looking just for drugs. Test for beer. Test for smokes.
Test for cable and VCRs. (I don't know how you'd do that exactly, but there
has to be a way.) Test for Big Macs. Welfare bums shouldn't be dining on
overpriced junk food when Kraft Dinner is a buck a box. (I am reminded of
some story in the distant past about tinned tuna, and how to bargain with
shopkeepers to bring the price down. Let me check my files.)

Anyway, the important principle here is that the state (or the province, in
this case) has an obligation to determine that people who feed at the
public trough, who receive thousands while making no valuable contributions
to society, are spending tax dollars in a responsible manner. Once we know
they are, we're pretty much okay with it.

Which is why I expect no opposition to my proposal that Premier Mike Harris
and his MPPs take, and pass, drug tests in order to get those raises they
wanted. If you're hunting around for a bunch of folks with their snouts
fully inserted as they wreak havoc on society's most valuable institutions,
look no further.

The Tories, sensing a tad of public discontent, have backtracked on voting
themselves a 42 per cent raise, but it's still an attainable goal. We know,
deep down, they still want it. Earlier in the week, the Premier, who has
worked tirelessly to turn his job into a part-time position, was making a
case for hiking his salary from $139,867 to $198,925, which is more than
the Prime Minister gets. (This was an effective comparison. Many believe
that a Wal-Mart greeter is worth more than our current Prime Minister.)

All Mike and the gang need to do to get the public onside is prove they're
not spending the money we already pay them on things like crack, cocaine,
marijuana, ecstasy, whatever. Now, some MPPs might take offence at this,
but John Baird, the minister of community and social services, maintains
that drug testing doesn't strip welfare recipients of any of their dignity,
so it really shouldn't be a problem for Mike and his pals.

Not for a moment am I suggesting Mike is a substance abuser. I have no
evidence he's using. But without a test, who can say for sure? He owes it
to us to PROVE he's clean. Once we know he is, then we can talk raise.

What an opportunity to set an example. Think photo-op. Mike raises an empty
specimen bottle for the cameras (time for another blue backdrop with white
letters reading: ``Common Sense: Hardly a Pee-culiar Notion''), disappears
behind the Queen's Park executive washroom door, and re-emerges with his
sample held high before a fusillade of flashes.

My guess is the Tories, with their locker room jocularity, could actually
turn this drug-testing thing into a game. Who could provide the biggest
sample? The contest could provide plenty of good-natured guy-type teasing.

``Hey, Eves, is that the best that you can do?''

``Clement, would you rather we gave you a teaspoon?''

``Whoa, check it out. Witmer's the one to beat.''

I don't know how many times I've wondered in the last five years, as the
Tories announced one whacko policy after another, what the hell they're
smokin'. Maybe, at last, we'll find out.