YOGIC FLYING THE KEY TO OUR PROBLEMS?

Freaky Politicians Every Bit As Boring As Real Politicians

When it came his turn to speak at last night's debate among leaders
of the nation's six fringe parties, the head of the Marijuana Party
of Canada delivered a gripping, nuanced treatise in which he outlined
a cogent platform that called for the adoption of a robust financial
policy in concert with generous, thoughtful social intervention.

Kidding. The guy spent his time insisting it should be nice and legal
for us to toke up! Get high! Wig out on the wacky weed! Then he
turned to the leader of the Marxist-Leninist Party, giggled
uncontrollably and asked if she happened to have in her purse "some
cookies or something, man. I wickedly got the munchies."

Kidding again. Marc-Boris St. Maurice, who leads the Marijuanians
when not pursuing other suitably militant endeavours or playing in
his band, Grim Skunk, did not actually appear to be stoned during the
debate, though television viewers who absently surfed to CBC
Newsworld may have been tempted to conclude that they themselves had
chowed on some "tainted" brownies after dinner. How else to explain
the apparent existence of an All Party Leaders' Debate - as the
affair was billed, despite the absence of representatives from the
five "mainstream" parties, "mainstream" being the nice way of
describing the fact they, like the fringe parties, make us laugh, but
somewhat more nervously since one of them will actually win -- in
which was advanced the notion that the key to solving all of Canada's
problems is the enlistment of 10,000 citizens to radiate a majestic
coherence through our environment by plunking themselves down on the
floor and jerking their bodies forward in short hops.

This time I'm not kidding. Convening a mass gathering of meditative
folk trained in the sacred, goofy art of yogic flying would,
according to leader Ashley Deans, be the first priority of a national
government led by the Natural Law Party. Well, truth be told, it
would probably wind up being the administration's second priority,
right after struggling to cope with the crushing surge in emigration.
But you get the flaky gist.

The two-hour debate, which attracted about 50 spectators to a Toronto
theatre, was organized by Greg Vezina, president of
democracychannel.net, who marshalled a similar event during the 1993
campaign. He contends those in the "corporate" media should be made
to feel shame for flagrantly ignoring minor political movements.
"Yesterday's fringe party can become a majority party, or even the
government," he asserted last night, and thus conjured a frightful
and lasting anxiety in those who went on to regard the ensuing
dialogue.

There was talk from Dr. Joan Russow, leader of the Green Party, about
the evils of the "industrial-financial-military complex." There was a
passionate description from Mr. Deans regarding how transcendental
meditation could ensure harmony prevailed to such an extent in Ottawa
that all parties would giddily join together to form a co-operative
government. There was intense verbal competition between Sandra Smith
of the Marxist-Leninists and Communist leader Miguel Figueroa who, in
a stubborn duel reminiscent of an ongoing conflict at the other end
of the political spectrum, seem doomed to once again split the
way-way-left vote. And there were serious words from Mr. St. Maurice,
who pleaded with voters not to oblige his party to form a majority
government on Nov. 27. "We do not aspire to hold power," he assured
Canadians. Only the bong.

Paul Hellyer of the Canada Action Party spoke firmly and confidently,
with a smooth manner that illustrated his considerable political
experience, and with a raging paranoia that illustrated his
considerable political winginess.

If there was any common ground -- apart from the palpable sense among
fidgety audience members that, hey, these freaky political guys are
every bit as boring as the real political guys -- it was in the view
that Canadians should resist the urgings of major-party candidates,
who typically insist that a vote for a fringe party is a wasted vote.
Nonsense, the leaders said. The real waste is perpetuating the same
old, weary political system.

For a moment, the remark resonated with an abundance of good sense. A
woman in the audience turned to her husband and whispered, "That's
true, you know." And then the Natural Law guy started going on again
about those yogic flyers.