|Posted On:||2007-12-22 12:04:15|
I think one of the main diffrences between me and most people is that I really listen to my heart on things, to a fault. If something doesn't feel right, doesn't move me, I just don't do it. Life is too short to waste your time doing things you aren't completely and totally passionate about and dedicated to.
Unfortunately, recently for me, that's been music. I can still listen to music, and don't really have much of a problem mixing, but the thing that really got me into music wasn't the aspect of playing other people's music, but mostly what it is that I could bring new to music myself.
Recently, that really isn't much. The last thing I've done that I was almost fully satisfied with was the remix of Cowgirl. My most productive times, musicaly, was when I was in the midst of a relationship falling appart and the aftermath of the breakup, and both of those periods were pretty largely fueled by drugs and alcohol.
The thing that mostly fueled my music then was emotion. Strong and intense emotion and feelings; hate, anger, sadness, confusion, desperation. I gave in to them and let them flow through me and into the music I was making.
After a while, that sortof drifted away and settled into just a depression and apathy that I haven't really managed to shake off. It's constant and unwavering; nothing feels worth doing. It's literally like I've just lost any will to do anything anymore. Really, most days it's a challenge getting out of bed. I can't really find a reason to do anything but sleep. Nothing seems worth doing, and nothing really moves me anymore, emotionally.
As stupid and cliche as it sounds, I feel so empty inside that I don't even feel like a human being anymore. I just have this lack of passion that I need to fill; but at the same time it's something that I'm scared to fill up. Emotions and relationships are so random and chaotic; things can change from one moment to the next on a whim, and thanks to my IBS, that's not really something I can subject myself to.
It's my own wonderfull catch-22; I want to be in a relationship, to feel again, to have something to be passionate about, but they're so fleeting and chaotic that I wouldn't really be able to handle them physicaly. Stress and anxiety are two of the main triggers for my IBS attacks, and those are two things that you tend to feel a lot in a relationship, especially in the early stages; does she like me? what should I say? what could we do? All those things that come with the budding of a new relationship are things I can't really subject myself to.
Those "butterflies in the stomach" that people get when they start going out with someone is really a mild anxiety; that wanting to see them, the emotions developing and the wondering if this is going to work, all the things you go through, make you a little anxious and nervous to discover this new person that's making you happy, and also a little nervous; what if it doesn't work out? what if she doesn't feel the same about me as I do about her? what if I don't feel the same about her as she does of me?
That nervousness and anxiety isn't something I can deal with, physicaly. Most people don't realise how lucky they are to just get that butterflies in the stomach feeling.
I, on the otherhand, get diarhea, stabing abdominal pains and uncontrollable panic attacks.
It's about as fun as it sounds.
It also doesn't help that these attacks can come at random. I can't really plan anything too far in advance, and can't really go anywhere unless I've got a quick way home incase I do get an attack. So I wouldn't really be able to go out anywhere with someone unless they drive, and at that I couldn't really go out to a restaurant with how ridiculously controlled my diet has to be. The only thing I can really eat out (due to how universal it's preperation rules are) is sushi, and that's pretty expensive to do often. And at that, I couldn't follow it up with desert or coffee thanks to my fucking IBS.
Another thing that doesn't help is that I've never been good at meeting people. Thanks to all the shit I went through in highschool, I never really got to develop any social skills. As is, about the only thing I can really talk about (without getting into my views on things like religion and human nature) are music, videogames and horror movies. I don't really have any "small-talk" skills; I only really talk about things that I enjoy and feel passionate about. If I'm not interested in it, I can't really feign interest; like I said earlier, life is too short to waste on things that you aren't completely dedicated in, and I apply that to my thoughs as well. It's not worth thinking about things that you don't really feel passionate or interested about.
I hate being complicated.