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2007 December:
[ ]AHHHHHHMONTREAL!!!YEAH!!!!
[ ]guerilla
[ ]utopique univers
[ ]That long old list...
[ ]bleh
[ ]OH Festivus!/ Magic Baking
[ ]en cette fin...
[ ]bonne nuit
[ ]Tranzn.com is here!
[ ]chu pas mort
[ ]Truth
[ ]Oh wow
2007 November:
[ ]free your soul!
[ ]Every time I spin My story is told
[ ]broken hearts are for assholes
[ ]alirghty so im new here and
[ ]It's always tackiest before laundry day...
[ ]Key problems in my life
[ ]Je sais pas si j'Ai envie de rester en vie
[ ]Eventful weekend
[ ]te deja con buen sabor en la boca oue
[ ]not all of those articles are mines...
[ ]ownin your own shadow
[ ]Mécanique quantique
[ ]Symptoms Of INNER PEACE
[ ]I'm a disorganised slob, Doc!
[ ]a lire en 2008
[ ]mon background
[ ]sa vraie nature…
[ ]dans lautre voix
[ ]12:48pm Thurs Nov 8 '07
[ ]How could you...
[ ]It's Really Not That Bad ... For Profiteers
[ ]Tuesday November 6 2007 from personal jrnl
[ ]Sunday-Hungover/Coming Down
[ ]Nov 3
[ ]microcosm
2007 October:
[ ]BL3
[ ]tiré du film la haine
[ ]The Invisible Pink Unicorn
[ ]P.L.U.R. (continued)
[ ]P.L.U.R. ? (response)
[ ]La dépendance affective
[ ]New Mix from J.D. Sparks!!1
[ ]Révélation
[ ]la bourse est un outil trop puissant il nous faut la comprendre avant qu'il ne nous detruise
[ ]My New Car
[ ]lazer life bbrothers!!
[ ]You Are a Rainbow
[ ]The Kybalion The Seven Hermetic Principals
2007 September:
[ ]Father.
[ ]Travailler TTC
[ ]Ma vie
[ ]My life.
[ ]Cultural Baggage
[ ]The random things you think about...
[ ]We are All Individuals !!!
[ ]Time Machine 2
[ ]ce qui me facine
[ ]NEW MIX!!
[ ]Death to Humanity- My Visions
[ ]Just Woke Up
[ ]Whoa!
[ ]Right...
2007 August:
[ ]Nostalgie, quand tu nous tiens...
[ ]Medal of Honor .txt
[ ]Sorry!~
[ ]Perception and other musing
[ ]ode INto quebec :D
[ ]Human beta 1.2
[ ]nous sommes loin d'être libre!
[ ]coup de coeur de l'été
[ ]New shit..
[ ]Le mal de vivre
[ ]My brain has issues (totally WTF dream)
[ ]Allie's B-day party
[ ]Bibi's party
[ ]Maygen's B-day Party
[ ]1 hosted party
[ ]Handicapped
[ ]MANSON AND SLAYER!!!!
[ ]Blah.
[ ]A Perfect Circle - eMOTIVe (2004)
[ ]A Perfect Circle - Thirteenth Step (2003)
[ ]A Perfect Circle - Mer De Noms (2000)
[ ]Tool - 10,000 Days
[ ]Tool - Lateralus
[ ]Tool - Aenima
[ ]Tool - Undertow
[ ]Tool - Opiate
[ ]2 days ^w^
[ ]Help? ^-^
[ ]Roses are red
[ ]Excited :3
[ ]Help?
[ ]Going public.
[ ]experience
2007 July:
[ ]all done moving
[ ]Video Dating Tape by David Firth
[ ]DJ BLACK & WH1TE
[ ]hulla
[ ]space gathering 2007
[ ]Histoire - OD de Miel
[ ]mettre image
[ ]Télé Sans Frontières
[ ]MERCI
[ ]What i realized.
[ ]asdf
2007 June:
[ ]Bike Courier
[ ]backdrop
[ ]chus & cebalos
[ ]It's really not that bad
[ ]ZOMG i want HaRdcOrE wtf
[ ]test
[ ]Stoned
[ ]Profil vidéo
[ ]One more.
[ ]demenagement
[ ]aliens
2007 May:
[ ]i'm not comfortable inside my mind
[ ]About TGIT
[ ]Closed Books
[ ]Crack Computer
[ ]Space Mushroom 3
[ ]Indigo Rising
[ ]When you put everyone else first, you end up last.
[ ]Des quotes rave.ca 2007
[ ]AN OThER
[ ]une autre histoire d'accotées
[ ]This is the stories of......
[ ]Histoire d'accoté 3
[ ]Histoire d'accoté 2
[ ]mark knight
[ ]T.R.Y
[ ]llama foetuses and bowler hats
[ ]L'honnêteté
[ ]Voir
[ ]Le son d'une clé...
[ ]The state of the scene
[ ]raveDAVE.
[ ]strapagosse
[ ]Et un rave manquer un.
[ ]Trip de e chez lyzandre
[ ]asdf
[ ].....
2007 April:
[ ]Displaced
[ ]a spiratum
[ ]Déclaration du Chef Indien Seattle en 1854 au président américain Franklin Pierce
[ ]desyn massielo
[ ]The Next Ring on the Spiral
[ ]live
[ ]scheme sensei
[ ]Top 10 des endroits ou buzzer, en réponse à Jérémie!
[ ]Top 10 endroits pour Buzzer
[ ]...
[ ]The Great Inversion
[ ]My attempt at fiction:
[ ]Intragenisis: the Saga of SELF
[ ]deviens tu
[ ]Back to the Groove...
2007 March:
[ ]...
[ ]Harsh
[ ]les mains pleines de sang
[ ]winter demons
[ ]Synchronicité
[ ]*
[ ]REWIRED³
[ ]Projet:Schizo
[ ]sang d'encre
[ ]You might be a bike courier if...
[ ]Winterize Your Bike
[ ]Au nom de la lune
[ ]the secret
[ ]délire
[ ]Uploading
[ ]Seelie court all the way
[ ]First Rave |-|£LL `|´£/-\ !!
[ ]Election democratique pour dissimuler l'autocratie
[ ]Quand ça va bien
[ ]backstage night club
[ ]sudamerika
[ ]five minutes
2007 February:
[ ].
[ ]battles
[ ]Que cherches-tu ?
[ ]mentez moi
[ ]Un anneau au cou
[ ]VIE!!
[ ]Noah est sur Terre
[ ]hum...
[ ]avant Max Graham
[ ]Quotes
[ ]David Bowie
[ ]FUCK the Fakers
[ ]Conception
[ ]Un sirop pour la toux
[ ]EMERGENCY FEBRUARY PARTY
[ ]A qui de droit
[ ]Death to humanity
[ ]Canalisation transcendantale
[ ]Month Test
2007 January:
[ ]not to be understood
[ ]Buying art from Maery/ Comission Info
[ ]words
[ ]PAn
[ ]*BASIC TRAINING*
[ ]...
[ ]Born to be Alive
[ ]Save Your Self
[ ]No Names Have Been Changed To Protect The Innocent. They're All Fucking Guilty!
[ ]Espérances
[ ]the tribe
[ ]Beaute paradisiaque
[ ]Get out of my head!
[ ]Today
[ ]escalier
[ ]"Ambiguous chimera"
[ ]OK
[ ]Green Speckled Wings
[ ]Demolition Tour
[ ]Spinside snowboards
Title:bleh
Posted On:2007-12-22 12:04:15
Posted By:» Screwhead
I think one of the main diffrences between me and most people is that I really listen to my heart on things, to a fault. If something doesn't feel right, doesn't move me, I just don't do it. Life is too short to waste your time doing things you aren't completely and totally passionate about and dedicated to.

Unfortunately, recently for me, that's been music. I can still listen to music, and don't really have much of a problem mixing, but the thing that really got me into music wasn't the aspect of playing other people's music, but mostly what it is that I could bring new to music myself.

Recently, that really isn't much. The last thing I've done that I was almost fully satisfied with was the remix of Cowgirl. My most productive times, musicaly, was when I was in the midst of a relationship falling appart and the aftermath of the breakup, and both of those periods were pretty largely fueled by drugs and alcohol.

The thing that mostly fueled my music then was emotion. Strong and intense emotion and feelings; hate, anger, sadness, confusion, desperation. I gave in to them and let them flow through me and into the music I was making.

After a while, that sortof drifted away and settled into just a depression and apathy that I haven't really managed to shake off. It's constant and unwavering; nothing feels worth doing. It's literally like I've just lost any will to do anything anymore. Really, most days it's a challenge getting out of bed. I can't really find a reason to do anything but sleep. Nothing seems worth doing, and nothing really moves me anymore, emotionally.

As stupid and cliche as it sounds, I feel so empty inside that I don't even feel like a human being anymore. I just have this lack of passion that I need to fill; but at the same time it's something that I'm scared to fill up. Emotions and relationships are so random and chaotic; things can change from one moment to the next on a whim, and thanks to my IBS, that's not really something I can subject myself to.

It's my own wonderfull catch-22; I want to be in a relationship, to feel again, to have something to be passionate about, but they're so fleeting and chaotic that I wouldn't really be able to handle them physicaly. Stress and anxiety are two of the main triggers for my IBS attacks, and those are two things that you tend to feel a lot in a relationship, especially in the early stages; does she like me? what should I say? what could we do? All those things that come with the budding of a new relationship are things I can't really subject myself to.

Those "butterflies in the stomach" that people get when they start going out with someone is really a mild anxiety; that wanting to see them, the emotions developing and the wondering if this is going to work, all the things you go through, make you a little anxious and nervous to discover this new person that's making you happy, and also a little nervous; what if it doesn't work out? what if she doesn't feel the same about me as I do about her? what if I don't feel the same about her as she does of me?

That nervousness and anxiety isn't something I can deal with, physicaly. Most people don't realise how lucky they are to just get that butterflies in the stomach feeling.

I, on the otherhand, get diarhea, stabing abdominal pains and uncontrollable panic attacks.

It's about as fun as it sounds.

It also doesn't help that these attacks can come at random. I can't really plan anything too far in advance, and can't really go anywhere unless I've got a quick way home incase I do get an attack. So I wouldn't really be able to go out anywhere with someone unless they drive, and at that I couldn't really go out to a restaurant with how ridiculously controlled my diet has to be. The only thing I can really eat out (due to how universal it's preperation rules are) is sushi, and that's pretty expensive to do often. And at that, I couldn't follow it up with desert or coffee thanks to my fucking IBS.

Another thing that doesn't help is that I've never been good at meeting people. Thanks to all the shit I went through in highschool, I never really got to develop any social skills. As is, about the only thing I can really talk about (without getting into my views on things like religion and human nature) are music, videogames and horror movies. I don't really have any "small-talk" skills; I only really talk about things that I enjoy and feel passionate about. If I'm not interested in it, I can't really feign interest; like I said earlier, life is too short to waste on things that you aren't completely dedicated in, and I apply that to my thoughs as well. It's not worth thinking about things that you don't really feel passionate or interested about.

I hate being complicated.