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Journals - When you put everyone else first, you end up last. - Rave.ca
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2007 December:
[ ]guerilla
[ ]utopique univers
[ ]That long old list...
[ ]bleh
[ ]OH Festivus!/ Magic Baking
[ ]en cette fin...
[ ]bonne nuit
[ ]Tranzn.com is here!
[ ]Truth
[ ]Oh wow
2007 November:
[ ]free your soul!
[ ]Every time I spin My story is told
[ ]broken hearts are for assholes
[ ]alirghty so im new here and
[ ]It's always tackiest before laundry day...
[ ]Key problems in my life
[ ]Je sais pas si j'Ai envie de rester en vie
[ ]Eventful weekend
[ ]te deja con buen sabor en la boca oue
[ ]not all of those articles are mines...
[ ]ownin your own shadow
[ ]Mécanique quantique
[ ]Symptoms Of INNER PEACE
[ ]I'm a disorganised slob, Doc!
[ ]a lire en 2008
[ ]mon background
[ ]sa vraie nature…
[ ]dans lautre voix
[ ]12:48pm Thurs Nov 8 '07
[ ]How could you...
[ ]It's Really Not That Bad ... For Profiteers
[ ]Tuesday November 6 2007 from personal jrnl
[ ]Sunday-Hungover/Coming Down
[ ]Nov 3
[ ]microcosm
2007 October:
[ ]BL3
[ ]tiré du film la haine
[ ]The Invisible Pink Unicorn
[ ]P.L.U.R. (continued)
[ ]P.L.U.R. ? (response)
[ ]La dépendance affective
[ ]New Mix from J.D. Sparks!!1
[ ]Révélation
[ ]la bourse est un outil trop puissant il nous faut la comprendre avant qu'il ne nous detruise
[ ]My New Car
[ ]lazer life bbrothers!!
[ ]You Are a Rainbow
[ ]The Kybalion The Seven Hermetic Principals
2007 September:
[ ]Father.
[ ]Travailler TTC
[ ]Ma vie
[ ]My life.
[ ]Cultural Baggage
[ ]The random things you think about...
[ ]We are All Individuals !!!
[ ]Time Machine 2
[ ]ce qui me facine
[ ]NEW MIX!!
[ ]Death to Humanity- My Visions
[ ]Just Woke Up
[ ]Whoa!
[ ]Right...
2007 August:
[ ]Nostalgie, quand tu nous tiens...
[ ]Medal of Honor .txt
[ ]Sorry!~
[ ]Perception and other musing
[ ]ode INto quebec :D
[ ]Human beta 1.2
[ ]nous sommes loin d'être libre!
[ ]coup de coeur de l'été
[ ]New shit..
[ ]Le mal de vivre
[ ]My brain has issues (totally WTF dream)
[ ]Allie's B-day party
[ ]Bibi's party
[ ]Maygen's B-day Party
[ ]1 hosted party
[ ]Handicapped
[ ]Blah.
[ ]A Perfect Circle - eMOTIVe (2004)
[ ]A Perfect Circle - Thirteenth Step (2003)
[ ]A Perfect Circle - Mer De Noms (2000)
[ ]Tool - 10,000 Days
[ ]Tool - Lateralus
[ ]Tool - Aenima
[ ]Tool - Undertow
[ ]Tool - Opiate
[ ]2 days ^w^
[ ]Help? ^-^
[ ]Roses are red
[ ]Excited :3
[ ]Help?
[ ]Going public.
[ ]experience
2007 July:
[ ]all done moving
[ ]Video Dating Tape by David Firth
[ ]hulla
[ ]space gathering 2007
[ ]Histoire - OD de Miel
[ ]mettre image
[ ]Télé Sans Frontières
[ ]What i realized.
[ ]asdf
2007 June:
[ ]Bike Courier
[ ]backdrop
[ ]chus & cebalos
[ ]It's really not that bad
[ ]ZOMG i want HaRdcOrE wtf
[ ]test
[ ]Stoned
[ ]Profil vidéo
[ ]One more.
[ ]demenagement
[ ]aliens
2007 May:
[ ]i'm not comfortable inside my mind
[ ]About TGIT
[ ]Closed Books
[ ]Crack Computer
[ ]Space Mushroom 3
[ ]Indigo Rising
[ ]When you put everyone else first, you end up last.
[ ]Des quotes rave.ca 2007
[ ]une autre histoire d'accotées
[ ]This is the stories of......
[ ]Histoire d'accoté 3
[ ]Histoire d'accoté 2
[ ]mark knight
[ ]T.R.Y
[ ]llama foetuses and bowler hats
[ ]L'honnêteté
[ ]Voir
[ ]Le son d'une clé...
[ ]The state of the scene
[ ]raveDAVE.
[ ]strapagosse
[ ]Et un rave manquer un.
[ ]Trip de e chez lyzandre
[ ]asdf
[ ].....
2007 April:
[ ]Displaced
[ ]a spiratum
[ ]Déclaration du Chef Indien Seattle en 1854 au président américain Franklin Pierce
[ ]desyn massielo
[ ]The Next Ring on the Spiral
[ ]live
[ ]scheme sensei
[ ]Top 10 des endroits ou buzzer, en réponse à Jérémie!
[ ]Top 10 endroits pour Buzzer
[ ]...
[ ]The Great Inversion
[ ]My attempt at fiction:
[ ]Intragenisis: the Saga of SELF
[ ]deviens tu
[ ]Back to the Groove...
2007 March:
[ ]...
[ ]Harsh
[ ]les mains pleines de sang
[ ]winter demons
[ ]Synchronicité
[ ]*
[ ]Projet:Schizo
[ ]sang d'encre
[ ]You might be a bike courier if...
[ ]Winterize Your Bike
[ ]Au nom de la lune
[ ]the secret
[ ]délire
[ ]Uploading
[ ]Seelie court all the way
[ ]First Rave |-|£LL `|´£/-\ !!
[ ]Election democratique pour dissimuler l'autocratie
[ ]Quand ça va bien
[ ]backstage night club
[ ]sudamerika
[ ]five minutes
2007 February:
[ ].
[ ]battles
[ ]Que cherches-tu ?
[ ]mentez moi
[ ]Un anneau au cou
[ ]VIE!!
[ ]Noah est sur Terre
[ ]hum...
[ ]avant Max Graham
[ ]Quotes
[ ]David Bowie
[ ]FUCK the Fakers
[ ]Conception
[ ]Un sirop pour la toux
[ ]A qui de droit
[ ]Death to humanity
[ ]Canalisation transcendantale
[ ]Month Test
2007 January:
[ ]not to be understood
[ ]Buying art from Maery/ Comission Info
[ ]words
[ ]PAn
[ ]...
[ ]Born to be Alive
[ ]Save Your Self
[ ]No Names Have Been Changed To Protect The Innocent. They're All Fucking Guilty!
[ ]Espérances
[ ]the tribe
[ ]Beaute paradisiaque
[ ]Get out of my head!
[ ]Today
[ ]escalier
[ ]"Ambiguous chimera"
[ ]OK
[ ]Green Speckled Wings
[ ]Demolition Tour
[ ]Spinside snowboards
Title:When you put everyone else first, you end up last.
Posted On:2007-05-26 13:41:29
Posted By:» Screwhead
For years now, I've always thought, always believed, that the only reason I had to be alive, was so that I could suffer. It's like I'm the punchline to some cosmic joke; like the only reason I have such a complete and total dissbeliefe in god and religion, is because I'm trapped in hell, and it'll be that much more fun to whoever runs things when I find out that my beliefs are wrong, and that once more everything I believe in and everything I trusted is pulled out from under my feet.

People always say "you have to love yourself before you can love another"

What if you've never really known love? What if you were nothing but hated and unwanted by those around you unless you were helping them, or if you could be used to make them feel better about themselves?

I've always been there for people; for my friends. Like that footsteps in the sand story, whenever someone I know is at their lowest, I help them, I do all in my power to make them better, irregardless of how I may feel or what I may want to do. I've kept people from commiting suicide, more than I can even remember. I've been there to help people too fucked up to get home when they were vulnerable and easily taken advantage of. I've been there at the lowest times in the people I'd cared about's lives, helping them through and trying to give them something to look forward to.

What do you get rewarded with for that? For being a good, loving person?

You get stabbed in the back by the friends you kept from killing themselves. You get thrown out like a garbage bag when you have a problem and need help. When you confess something to the person you love about something in your past that's been haunting you for years and dissgusts you about yourself, looking for someone to help make you feel better, someone to talk to, to give you the same kind of hope that you try to give them, they turn on you and want to walk away; they turn and want to go throw away everything you've tried to build up and help them with.

And you're the kind of idiot who puts all of your problems and worries aside to follow them and make sure they don't go and do something stupid.

All of my life, I've been there for people when they've been at their worst, the lowest they could possibly get, when they've needed someone to be there for them more than ever before, because I never want anyone to feel like I feel; alone, unwanted, useless, hated, rejected.

I can't love myself, because I've never felt loved without having a back turned towards me when I need a shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen to me, a hug when I need one. I'm always the one that's there for people, the one that's strong, the one that helps people out and cheers them up when they need it, and when I need the help, when I'm vulnerable and desperate, it's like people don't believe me that I could possibly need help. Like I'm so strong for them, that I can't be human and weak, just like they are.

I've spent so much of my life being strong for others so that they wouldn't feel unwanted and alone like me, that I don't know how to be strong for myself anymore. I *can't* be strong for myself anymore.

I can't love myself for who I am, because I've never felt worth loving.

When I need someone the most, all I ever get is rejected, walked away on, or used and manipulated. So I lock it all away. I isolate myself, I stop trying to show emotion, stop trying to feel, to love, to care.

So many times I wish I could just kill myself to end everything. I just want all the pain, all the sadness, all the empty and nothing that I am to go away. But I can't do it. I want to die, but I don't want to die alone. I don't want to die un-loved.

It's an interesting paradox, when the only reason you have left to live, is because you're looking for a reason to live. I want to die because I'm so alone, but I don't want to die alone. I want to die because of how insignificant I feel, but I don't want to die insignificant.