|Title:||A word on relationships, friends, and betrayal|
|Posted On:||2006-08-07 18:32:25|
I figgure I might as well make this one be about 2 things that are almost always on my mind: relationships and betrayal.Listening To:
I mentioned earlier about being molested by a friend. I also mentioned that things in life are always relative, always a matter of perspective. To someone who has violent, abusive parents, being beaten is something common, something that they can take matter-of-fact. To the spoild rich kid, not getting a new car for their birthday can be a traumatizing experience.
Yes, it wasn't something pleasent, but when you've got no friends and your parents make it clear that you aren't wanted around and that they don't care what you do or where you go, someone who regularly wants you around, no matter what the reason, is something that fills the emptyness and lonelieness.
From that, I learned something about myself; It was not the fact that it was another male that was doing this to me that I didn't enjoy, but that he never asked me if he could. It lead me to think for a while that I was gay. Back then, I didn't know that there was such a thing as being bisexual, I thought it was a black and white issue; you're straight, or you're gay. The fact that I was way more interested in women didn't seem to matter to me, because since I wasn't revolted by the touch of another man, I was certaing that it meant I was gay. Combine that with the fact that no woman (well, I guess I could say girl, because I was 15-16 at the time) had ever shown any interest in me, things just seemed to make more sence.
From the beginning, I have always been very much more interested in women than men, but when you have nothing, anything is welcome.
The first actual relationship I was in was also with another man. Things came about in a rather odd way. I met him on a weekend with a friend who'd rented a cottage-type place a little outside of montreal. As I found out later, when he first saw me (though his word is obviously not the most reliable) he finally decided to "come out" because he was "absolutely and totally" in love with me.
He was much more interested in me than I was in him, but I went out with him anyways, and I even let myself fall in love for a brief period of time. The problem with the relationship, was that from the start I was being used for sex, and was completely naive about any of it. I had been manipulated from the start; he told me that he was in love with me, and that he had a genetic anomaly that was supposed to mean that he didn't have very much time to live, and I fell for it completely, as I also had a dissease that I believed put a timer on my life. His "situation" was something I could sympathise with, and he told me that, him having just recently "come out", he felt alone and unsure of how to go about getting a boyfriend, mirroring my own predicament of lonelieness and uncertainty about how to get anyone interested in me.
At the time, I was in adult ed, having dropped out when I was 16, my parents didn't want to support me if I wasn't doing something with my life that fit their mold of how a life should be lived. I made a friend there, who I will refer to as "A". "A" was very into computers and music, as I was, so we became good friends right away. "A", also, confessed to me that he was bisexual and very interested in me, but I told him that I did not believe in cheating, as trust and honesty is something that I've always had a strong belief in. "A" didn't seem to understand that, but he was a friend, and I was in dire need of those, so I ignored all of his advances and tried to remain his friend.
At the time, the internet boom was just starting, but I was still involved in the BBS culture. My BF had internet access at home, so I opened up my first hotmail account and gave my friends the address, including "A". "A" knew that the only place I had to check my email was at my BF's place. I would constantly recieve e-mails from him, who had just "discovered" that he was a nudist, and who kept sending me pictures of himself naked at a beach, in the woods, etc.., which caused a lot of tension between me and my bf, as he was rather pissed off that I Was getting emailed naked pictures from a friend while we were going out. I started hanging out less and less with "A", but still kept in touch once in a while, as friends were a precious comodity for me.
Time went on with my bf, and he introduced me to people at GALA (dawson's gay and lesbian association). It's there that two things happened; first was my discovery of how much a crock of shit gay pride was, and how embarased I was to associate myself with the "alternative" lifestyle. They were only interested in gay rights for one reason: so that they could claim discrimination when they went out of their way to make straight people (refered to as the derogatory term "Hets") uncomfortable. It had nothing to do with coming to terms with yourself, with finding ways to help you deal with the problems you might be going through, it was simply a club dedicated to telling each other stories about how they "freaked out some hets" the other day, which very much dissgusted me. The pride parade has absolutely nothing to do with being proud of who they are, it is simply done to shock and dissgust straight people and homophobes, so that they can then claim that they are being discriminated against.
If you poke a dog with a stick, and it bites you back, it is not the dog's fault, it is yours for provoking, and that is exactly what they are intent on doing: poking and poking untill there is a backlash, and then they can cry about being a victim of an unjust society who can't accept them for who they are.
The second thing that I "discovered" (well, ok, person that I met) was another friend of my BF's. We would all hang out and watch movies and do shit together, but eventually, for some reason, she started being interested in me.
Since I'd always been more interested in women than men, it took no convincing to go out with her, to the point that I didn't even bother notifying him that our relationship was over, which has led to the missconception that I cheated on him with her; as far as I was concerned, there was no more "us" anymore, he just hadn't been notified of it untill a week later.
So that's how I ended up with my first girlfriend.
The relationship lasted 3 weeks shy of 1 year, but there were more than a couple of bumps along the ride. For one, at the time I was extremely against drinking, smoking and drugs, and she was a smoker, drank, and did drugs (By "did drugs", I should say more apropriately that she stole ritalin when she worked with her dad, a pharmacist, and smoked weed. funny that 4 years later I'd end up addicted to pills, smoking cloves and weed, and drinking a bottle of vodka nearly every day of the week). Her habits were a constant source of arguments, and we spent almost the entire relationship on and off like a leaf in the wind.
My second gf, I could go on for pages about, but I will keep things as relevant as possible. I will mention this, though; this relationship falling apart was entierly my fault. The relationship evolved very fast, and within 2 months we were both talking about getting married and how many kids we wanted, what kind of wedding we wanted, we had even started working out who to invite, the whole nine yards.
I'd held a couple of jobs, and the last one I was working for my father. Now, I've always had sleeping problems, ever since grade 6, I cannot sleep at night. It doesn't happen, unless it's induced un-naturaly (being sick, being high/drunk, etc) so I got some ephedrin pills from a friend of mine that I regularly went to concerts with, thus starting my cycle of addiction. Durring the day, I was too tired to focus or concentrate, so I'd take the ephedrin pills to keep alert and awake. Night would come around, and I was still all hopped up on ephedrin and unable to sleep. The next day, I needed to be awake, so I'd take more ephedrin, repeat. The only time that I ever slept was on the weekends, when I would go over to see my GF. I was also steadily increasing how much I would take, because I was developing an immunity to the effects.
Anyone who's knows about ephedrin, knows that when you're addicted to it, it leaves you in the same state as amphetamine addiction; paranoid and agresive. I was always scared that she was cheating on me, smoking behind my back, and I couldn't tell my paranoia from reality. Any and all scenarios that I'd imagine of her cheating on me or lying to me were indistinguishable from reality. We were arguing all the time, and all about the things that I was imagining her doing. I'm amazed she stayed with me as long as she did.
Once, durring an argument, I actually hit her. As soon as that happened, I had a lucid moment and realised that something was wrong with me, and that she didn't deserve to be subjected to what I was putting her through, so I broke up with her. For some reason, a week later, she called me and spoke to me and said that she still loved me and that we should still be together, even with what I had done. She wanted to help me and be with me, but at the time I didn't realise that my problem was drug use; ephedrin was available over the counter, and I thought to myself that anything you don't have to go through an illegal source to get can't possibly be bad for you.
After 3 years together, she finally grew tired of me, and I can't blame her for it. Durring the week, I was a paranoid nervous wreck, and durring the weekends all I would do is sleep when we should have been doing something, enjoying each other's company, being happy together.
When we broke up, I was completely destroyed. I had alienated myself from all of my friends, and was once again alone. I started hanging out with some people I'd met on IRC (namely ScottyP) and through a site he introduced me to (ravewave.com sound familliar?) I discovered that my old friend, "A", was in the rave scene now, having given up his love for country music for freeform and happy hardcore. It's also when I dove into drugs, spending the $900+ that I'd saved up for a propper wedding ring on drugs and alcohol. Ironically enough, the day we broke up is the day that I'd scheduled some time with a jewler that I knew to talk about what kind of ring I could get her with what I had.
Over a period of 3 years, he was one of the few people that I'd ever spoken to about what had appened between me and my ex. We were good friends, he was always there when I needed a shoulder to cry on, and I was there for him through some rough moments. When he had no one to talk to and was about to kill himself, I was there to stop him. When he wanted to quit drugs, I was there to help. When he was depressed from being single, or being dumped, I was always there to comfort him. He was there for me as well, all those nights that I spent crying and depressed, that I wanted to kill myself for how alone and unwanted I felt, he always had an open ear and a shoulder to lean on.
He knew everything about my ex; her favorite bands, song, food, what happend to her in her life, her favorite cartoons; absolutely everything that there was to know.
After a while, me and her had started talking again. She was having problems with her BF and needed someone to talk to and be there for her. For a few months, we were growing close together again. I was always at her place, we'd even slept with each other a few times. A few days before her birthday, I'd slept at her place, and while cuddling in bed, she had even told me how much she missed me and missed being close to me.
Her birthday falls right around the same time as a few other people, so we had a little party at my place for her and Nimi, and I invited a bunch of people over, including "A", who I'd spent the last few weeks hanging out with a lot. He was interested in being a DJ, and I was teaching him the basics of it and he'd come over and practice at my place. He was still one of the few people that I confided in about how I felt about my ex, I even told him that the 2 of us seemed to be getting along great these days and that it looked like we might be getting back together again, and he said that it was a great thing, because he knew how much she meant to me and that having her back in my life, even for just the past couple of months, seemed to make me a lot happier.
The day I told him this, was on a day that he had wanted to come over and practice spinning again, but I told him that I'd unfortunately had plans with her, but the day after was fine. I'd wanted to spend some time with her and was planning on bringing up the possibility of starting our relationship again, and he said it was a great idea and that he was happy that things seemed to be going my way again.
Imagine my surprise when I show up at her place, and she tells me he's coming over. He had messaged her and told her he was bored and had nothing to do, so she invited him over for supper.
His "boredom" was something that I'd grown to be a little wary of. He was a friend, but at the same time, he was a pretty good manipulator. If he was bored and had nothing to do, he had a knack for making you feel guilty if you had anything to do and couldn't hang out with him, and sure enough my ex had fallen for it as I had for the past few weeks.
I didn't see her for a week and a half after that. She was never online and never returned my messages, but I had also just started a new job and was fairly busy, and it was one of the busy periods for her where she worked, so from what I recall she'd told me she'd be doing lots of overtime.
A week and a half later I finally speak to her, and she invites me over for supper. When I get there, as we're eating, she tells me that she's started seeing someone. Specifically, she's started seeing "A". I was destroyed again and didn't know what to do or say. The evening ended earlier than planned, an uncomfortable silence having made it's way into the space between us, and I haven't spoken to or heard from her ever since.
A couple of days after that, I got a call from "A" at 4 in the morning, pissed off, yelling at me and threatening me, claiming that I was harassing her and should just leave her alone, that all I'd ever done was made her sad and cry and that she wanted me completely out of her life. I was in no mood to put up any kind of argument, and figgured it wasn't worth the effort. There is no way she could have NOT known (or at least suspected) that I still had feelings for her, and there is no way that "A" couldn't have known that I was still very attatched to her.
To add a little to that, he was not the only friend of mine that was interested in her, though the other two don't know that I know what they were trying to do. It's funny, because the same thing that happened with my first GF happened with the second: All the female friends that I would speak to about my situation all wanted to help, wanted to talk to her and help me get back together with her, whereas all the male friends that I confided in all tried to sleep with her. I was even over when one of them was blatantly hitting on her over MSN and trying desperatley to get her to invite him over that evening.
So here I am, 1 year later, and I guess I've learned from my mistakes. I've learned that there are so few people you can trust, and that the saying "every man has his price" is more of a warning than a statement. The more a person knows about you, about your life, about the people that mean the most to you, the easier and more tempting it is to use what they know to get what they want.
Sisters of Mercy - First and Last and Always (album)