Disgruntledhousewife.com
| Good [+1]Toggle ReplyLink» blop replied on Wed Dec 17, 2003 @ 2:24am |
 Coolness: 200505 | There's something troubling me lately. It's the proliferation of pregnant women in my workplace. In the last two months, there have been two births. Lisa's all knocked up and looks like she's about to pop. And while the effect of all these women waddling around looking like they're about to tump over is hilarious, I don't like thinking about the biology behind it. They've all got creepy little monsters growing inside them like parasites. I don't want kids. Sometimes I like kids okay, sometimes they're funny or smart, but I don't want one growing inside me like a tape worm. They grow in there and press down all your organs and give you incessant heartburn and make you have to pee all the time and make your ankles swell so the only shoes you can wear are flip-flops. And then when they're finished leeching off you, they slide out like greasy little piglets all mucousy and pink.
Then afterwards, you have twenty years of no life of your own. If you do it right, anyway. And then a whole lifetime of worry. Like having a dog that outlives you and runs away all the time and chews up all your furniture and pees everywhere and hates you at least for a while no matter what. A dog that no matter how good you try to be is slightly embarrassed of you and will definitely lie and deceive you. A dog that won't let you pet it and that talks back. So what I'm saying is that motherhood disturbs me. But that aside, there's something even more terrifying about pregnancy. You're in this bizarre spawning prone state. You're just like the Aliens. You know? You're like a sow. It all seems so surreal and unnatural to me, almost distasteful. I can't think of anything beautiful about it. The only fun part seems like wearing all the cute clothes and then getting to dress up this tiny little creature in funny costumes for a few years. And I'm not even talking about the cleaning up poop and the raw leaky nipples and the constant advice from strangers. They make me nervous, The Pregnants, with all their overflowing fecundity. And then, when I was just starting to get used to the three of them, blonde and swollen and smiling, then Grace (co-worker's wife, an uberfrau) morphs into one of them, too. And it starts to feel like the Village of the Damned or Night of the Living Dead or something. But Grace isn't in the office much, and Lisa's on her second, so she's not as giddy and Earth Mother seeming as Beth Ann and Liz were. She seems way more realistic. So I readjust, and keep taking my pills, and try not to think about it. Then yesterday, I'm going to the bathroom, and Heather, who has been looking green and fluey lately, is at the sink coughing and sputtering and gasping and splashing water on her face. And as I lock the stall, I ask her if she wants some Alka Seltzer (I keep it in my desk for late-afternoon food comas) and she says no and kind of laughs ironically. Heather is not one to laugh ironically. I'm about to flush and I freeze and panic. You're not pregnant, are you? I ask, hoping for the typical God don't even say that or No, no, thank God or some other wishful invocation of the deity for the prevention of conception. But she just says yes. Not quickly. She doesn't sound too joyful, maybe because she's been puking her guts up, maybe because part of her feels like I do about it, that she's just a generic mammal sow now. (If I were pregnant, of course, I certainly wouldn't tell anyone. I'd cry a lot and not eat and make an appointment—so I'm guessing she's at least not completely of my mind.) But Jesus, she's my age, you know? Maybe younger. It makes me shudder. So now I'm starting to worry that maybe that toilet seat thing everyone jokes about is really true. Or that it's airborne—not conception so much as some kind of crazy super-heightened fertility. I mean, half our periods are in sync, and we just work together. I don't want it, the rich womb and the life-giving breasts and the huge swollen belly. I don't want any of it. I want to be clean and girlish and odorless and as far from motherhood as I could possibly be. I've considered getting the shot as a back-up. Or wearing a surgical mask. Who's the normal one and who's the freak? Somebody please tell me they understand my discomfort. I'm not Joan Crawford, am I? I'm not a monster? If anyone else gets pregnant, I may have to quit. The next one to catch it was Mallory. She wanted it, I know, I walked down with her to Eckerd's to buy the pregnancy test. I waited in the bathroom while she peed on the stick that first time, when she got the minus sign. It was her third false alarm. She was actually trying, which mystifies me. She wanted it, so I'm happy for her. But she was the smart one. She's like me. But Mallory really is the Earth Mother, so it wasn't much of a surprise. She'll be an awesome mom. And her husband Billy will be an awesome dad. They live in Atlanta now. I actually regret not getting to see her waddling around the office, flushed and happy and a little crazy. Lisa has delivered & come back to work. Her baby gets sick a lot. She looks tired all the time. Grace's came out, too. A big strapping uberbaby, just like the other one. Heather's plodding around the office still, as big as a whale. She's reading all the correct books and keeping a pregnancy diary to give to the baby. When she first started keeping it, she labored over which blank book to buy. She couldn't get the one with the Georgia O'Keefe cover—if it was a boy it just wouldn't be right, and if it was a girl, she'd end up a lesbian. She languished on the couch for months, and started waddling and rubbing her belly and eating everything in sight the day after she found out. But she'll be gone soon. She'll go away and buy gender-appropriate clothes and paint her baby's room pink or blue, depending. And hopefully then it will all be over. For all you breeders (or breeder sympathizers) out there who think I'm an ogre for not buying into the Miracle of Birth, guess what? It turns out I'm not alone. There's even a small army of Mommies over on this side. Maybe birth isn't such a miracle after all... |
| Good [+1]Toggle ReplyLink» Bunnytronix replied on Wed Dec 17, 2003 @ 3:35am |
 Coolness: 152485 | Maybe I shoulda read the whole thing but...
what are you saying? giving birth is sick? or having babies in general? |
| Good [+1]Toggle ReplyLink» Toltech replied on Wed Dec 17, 2003 @ 3:47am |
 Coolness: 145395 | she don't want none....but there's probably a conclusion to her essay... |
| Good [+1]Toggle ReplyLink» Miss_Amanda replied on Wed Dec 17, 2003 @ 10:10am |
 Coolness: 160520 | i don't want kids either |
| Good [+1]Toggle ReplyLink» julie_eaves replied on Wed Dec 17, 2003 @ 10:51am |
 Coolness: 94250 | I don't want one growing inside me like a tape worm. They grow in there and press down all your organs and give you incessant heartburn and make you have to pee all the time and make your ankles swell so the only shoes you can wear are flip-flops. And then when they're finished leeching off you, they slide out like greasy little piglets all mucousy and pink.
hahahahaha thats terrible! |
| Good [+1]Toggle ReplyLink» Mali replied on Wed Dec 17, 2003 @ 11:01am |
 Coolness: 202090 | If I ever want kids.. which i don't, I would adopt.. I just don't want to go threw with giving birth, and im not really into babies
Im going to adopt a 25 year old woman thats already married, so Im all set! But damn, im not taking care of my grandchildren |
| Good [+1]Toggle ReplyLink» blop replied on Wed Dec 17, 2003 @ 12:18pm |
| Coolness: 200505 | it's the mucousy and pink line that fucking gets me every time.
this was written by a woman named nikol lohr, i probably should have mentioned that in my first post. anyway. i think the writing is really good, y'all should check out the site for some witty commentary on tits, men, periods and sluts. |
| Good [+1]Toggle ReplyLink» cloak replied on Wed Dec 17, 2003 @ 12:44pm |
 Coolness: 57400 | interesting...
somehow it reminded me of the neighbour that didn't want us to play on his lawn when i was a kid. at 7-8years old i heard him say "i think i'll buy a dog instead of having children. at least i won't have to pay college for him and he won't crash my car...". |
| Good [+1]Toggle ReplyLink» beercrack replied on Wed Dec 17, 2003 @ 1:39pm |
| Coolness: 71410 | haha I like it |
| Good [+1]Toggle ReplyLink» Toltech replied on Wed Dec 17, 2003 @ 2:07pm |
| Coolness: 145395 | what's wrong with you all! (except for house you 'cause we know ;))
kids are the shit!.....unless you have dumb kids but I was a serene and obediant child.....they can be a bundle of joy (I sound like Martha Stewart) and they say things straight up, I repect that hehehe So innocent, it's adorable.....oh well... |
| Good [+1]Toggle ReplyLink» Violence_Inc replied on Wed Dec 17, 2003 @ 3:42pm |
 Coolness: 174065 | baby's suck. Kids from like 5-11 are chill, cos i can share their toys with them. |
| Good [+1]Toggle ReplyLink» caro replied on Wed Dec 17, 2003 @ 3:54pm |
 Coolness: 151915 | iono maybe one day i will want kids......i'll jsut have to wait and see but no fuckign time soon!
after being there for nat...and seeing how much she went threw to have ryleigh i was amazed....i walked downt the hallway at the jewish general and i could still hear her screaming .....wow i never wanna know how much pain that must have caused her. yet kids do bring joy and happyness into a persons life...and they are so innocent....at this point i still kinda hate kids cause they liek to cry a lot and shit themselves....but maybe one day...... |
| Good [+1]Toggle ReplyLink» G__ replied on Wed Dec 17, 2003 @ 4:42pm |
| Coolness: 141340 | i want kids, but not in the next 12 to 15 years
and i don't know if i'd be able to watch my wife give birth, i tried watching it on Discovery and holy shit man, they're not much beutiful about it, but i guess your mind state gets changed when it's you kid |
| Good [+1]Toggle ReplyLink» cloak replied on Wed Dec 17, 2003 @ 4:58pm |
| Coolness: 57400 | having kids is going a step ahead.
i thank my parents for going throught all those painful years (especially the teenage ones). |
| Good [+1]Toggle ReplyLink» cactain_steef replied on Wed Dec 17, 2003 @ 5:12pm |
 Coolness: 154650 | that post... has been my theory.. forever.
fuck kids! i wanna be a crazy old cat lady that chases kids off her lawn with a broom and shotgun! ahah try an catch me, bitch! |
| Good [+1]Toggle ReplyLink» cloud9ine replied on Wed Dec 17, 2003 @ 5:16pm |
 Coolness: 138695 | Man, fuck that. Everyone's got the right to their own choice to have kids/not have kids. Peronsally, I would like to have a bun in the oven by the time I'm about 26-28. After I pop that one out, I'd like to adopt a second child. I think that would be it. Who knows, tho. Maybe I'll want to have more. Time will tell. |
| Good [+1]Toggle ReplyLink» Bunnytronix replied on Wed Dec 17, 2003 @ 5:17pm |
| Coolness: 152485 | I'm thinking 28... cause the partying won't wear off till then. I don't want to raise a kid while i can't be 100% there for him. |
| Good [+1]Toggle ReplyLink» soyfunk replied on Wed Dec 17, 2003 @ 5:28pm |
 Coolness: 126745 | hehe i liked the article
what's the website? i'd like one or two kids tho |
| Good [+1]Toggle ReplyLink» cloud9ine replied on Wed Dec 17, 2003 @ 5:34pm |
| Coolness: 138695 | see the topic title, Sammy :P |
| Good [+1]Toggle ReplyLink» queen_B replied on Wed Dec 17, 2003 @ 5:37pm |
 Coolness: 77400 | am i the only one that's going to be thrilled once i get nocked up? i can't fucking wait! |
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