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L'inspiration vient parfois d'un auteur inespéré
Et d'une étrange concordance de mots, d'idées
Générant l'instabilité d'une âme se croyant libérée
Ramenant à la surface des rayons de couleurs oubliées
Le passé revient se jouant maintenant du futur
Réveillant des espoirs, des passions et des craintes
Et l'histoire à nouveau cherche à se reproduire
Graffitant nos sentiments en un immense murmure
Ce qu'on croit parfois éternellement enfouit
Souvent refait surface alors même qu'on oublie
On ne l'attend pas puisqu'on ne peut voir l'ombre
Lorsque celle-ci nous traque sous la lumière sombre
Celle-ci nous suit sans fin, toujours à contre-jour
À quatre pieds derrière, là où on ne la voit pas
Mais à nos semelles elle colle, indissociable à nos pieds
Elle nous revient un jour de par l'autre côté
Pensée autour de l'existentialisme Lydien...
Je ne suis pas certain de ce qu'est la mort, je ne suis pas ceratin d'ou vont les âmes... je suis certains que je ne le saurai jamais, et c'est ce que je trouve le plus beau. Je suis certain que je t'aime, je suis certain que c'est réciproque. Je suis ce que tu es et tu es ce que je suis... Je ne sais pas pas ou ira mon âme, mais je sais très bien ou elle est en ce moment, avec toi. Et mon âme s'y trouve s'y bien, et ce pour la première fois de son existence, que je sais que sa place est à tes côtés, aux côtés de ton âme pour le temps que tu le voudras, un ans, dix ans, une vie, une éternité. Les mystères abreuvent notre curiosité, la facilité abrutie et enlève toute saveur. Je veux goûter ma vie, je veux goûter mon bonheur. J'ai envie de ne pas savoir afin de me lancer dans la vie en toute innocence et rêver de ses beautées et de la spontanéitée de celle-ci.
La perception du temps et de tout ce qui nous entour est la seule vérité. C'est à nous de savoir et de vouloir. La vie n'est rien en dehors de notre vision. Chaque fois que tu ne me regardes pas, je n'existe pas pour toi. Chaque fois que tu ne penses pas à moi je n'existe pas plus. Il te faut bien comprendre ce qu'il en est. J'étais, je suis et je serai, et ce en toute indépendance de toi. Le contraire est vrai aussi. Cependant, les âmes soeurs se regrdent et sont connectées en tout temps, peut importe le temps et les kilomètres qui les sépares.
La mort est une aussi belle chose que la vie, seulement elle est beaucoup moins accessible que celle-ci. La comprendre est le devenir. Comprendre la mort rejoint la mort de notre âme puisque le mystère ne sera plus. Je suis mystérieusement amoureux de toi, mystérieusement bien avec toi, mystérieusement en harmonie avec ton univers, mystérieusement libre avec toi, mais surtout mystérieusement épris de toi comme jamais je ne l'ai été avant. Sans mystère nous ne saurions que deux mamifères en quête de reproduction. J'apprécie le mystère.
La vie est mystérieusement longue, elle l'est autant que l'on souhaite qu'elle soit... en quelque sorte. Ta violente envie de voir la beauté physique de la terre, la mer grise en asie, la pauvreté en argentine, tous ces coins que tu ne crois point possible de visiter en cette vie qui semble coulée entre tes doigts. Cette envie n'est plus une envie à partir du moment ou ta perception de la vie fait en sorte que le tout devient réalité. Le temps passe mais tu ne viellis pas, le temps s'écoule mais tu mature, tu deviens l'Être merveilleux que je connait, cette personne incroyable que j'aime, que j'aime... que j'aime.
Listening To: Ladytron - Light & Magic
yeah had an awesome night at cody's with Jerri. Had tons of laughs watched invated zim, danced, cuddled and all that good stuff. gotta love, the love drug xD
Oh also, I moved pics around all the ones before now, in a folder called old. And for the new ones of my I'll leave out in the open till I need a new folder. And the pics from cody's are in a folder too sepreated from the "old".
Oh also, I'll be re-bleaching hair to one blonde then pink in the near future, on top of that a rave and an animecon~ ^^
Listening To: Dj hixxy rush hour.
free links to short YouTube clips featuring live jams/performances/improvisations from technoise/ambient/illbient/noise/experimental projects from Wreck Age Recordings.
MINIMAL FRANK is Frank Zen, who also performs as/with Flesh For Frank, Leper Collective, G & F, Recyclor, amongst others.
ARCHANGEL was hatched by Butterman in 1992 & featured many contributors in the past.
D.F.S. was known as Dogged For Sympathy, hatched by Butterman in 1988 & featured many contrinutors in the past.
RECYCLOR is Frank Zen & Butterman.
RECYCLOR: 1st live impro jam session
RECYCLOR: Friday Nite Jam (pt1)
RECYCLOR: Friday Nite Jam (pt2)
RECYCLOR: Friday Nite Jam (pt3)
RECYCLOR: Friday Nite Jam (pt4)
MINIMAL FRANK: (live jam Jan. 4 2008)
MINIMAL FRANK: "Role Model (live)"
MINIMAL FRANK: Live Ipro Jam (2)
ARCHANGEL: "Koener-esque (live)"
ARCHANGEL: Live @ SubSystem 2007 (pt 1)
ARCHANGEL: Live @ SubSystem 2007 (pt 2)
ARCHANGEL: Live @ SubSystem 2007 (pt 3)
ARCHANGEL: Live @ SubSystem 2007 (pt 4)
ARCHANGEL: Live @ SubSystem 2007 (pt 5)
ARCHANGEL: Live @ SubSystem 2007 (pt 6)
ARCHANGEL: "Ice Planet (live)" pt 1
ARCHANGEL: "Ice Planet (live)" pt 2
ARCHANGEL: "Ice Planet (live)" pt 4
D.F.S. "DogTownAttack (pt2)" excerpt
D.F.S. "Norwegian Bwana" excerpt
D.F.S. "untitled" excerpt
Listening To: Panasonic "B" e.p.
Butterman's all-time (L8T 90s, Y2K, post) favorite adult film female stars/performers:
1) Tiffany Mynx
Without a doubt my all-time favorite queen of porn! I strongly doubt her place as my number one will ever be threatened, even though alot of post Y2K recent talent seem hell-bent on making sure they are the latest (& greatest) of all time. But all of them can try, they can't even come close to Tiffany, who's career I fanatically (or close enough) followed since 1992. I'm the guy who first came on the industry with the saying "You're either a Jenna Jameson fan or a Tiffany Mynx fan."
2) Olivia Del Rio
This beautiful french-speaking latina from Brazil was a "lust at first sight" phenomenon. As soon as I saw her in a magazine photoshoot, I was instantly hooked on her unique latina looks & charms, unable to properly function when gazing into her eyes. I quicky began to hunt down her DVD appearances and slowly began to accumulate quite a few titles, including non-American produced material. Could have been number 1 if Tiffany Mynx did not exist!
3) Julia Taylor
Hungarian red-head was unknown to me by name, but upon my very first porn searches in those early days of the internet (in the 90s), I knew I had to find out who she was, and what DVDs she appeared in. It took me a few years but I finally managed to find a handful of releases which effectively secured her position in my top favorites. Could have been number 1 if Tiffany Mynx did not exist!
4) Carmen (aka Carmen Vera, Carmen Sanchez, etc...)
Born in Spain, and barely able to speak English, this latina speciality doesn't have any trouble to communicate. I often get blasted by poor sods who put me down claiming Carmen is "ugly", but it was her unique beauty which first attracted me to this latina hottie. PLus "they" say beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and there's no "accounting" for tastes. In any case, Carmen would have been my top star if not for Tiffany Mynx & Olivia Del Rio!
The following are NOT in prefered order; I just listed them as they popped in my head as I was improvising this list!
5) Jenaveve Jolie
A recent arrival (in my standards of course) to the USA adult film biz, this latina (Mexican?) beauty is one of the most beautiful women I have ever seen grace the screen. Although many have complained at the fact she isn't often paired up (in scenes) with top talent, just her looks is enough to get my attention to full attention! I hope she'll stay active for years to come!
6) Eva Angelina
A recent arrival (in my standards of course) to the USA adult film biz, I first noticed Eva in her first few scenes where she would wear her glasses during her scenes, often getting them "messed up" by the end of the scene! She quickly became a favorite after a mere couple scenes, and I just can't get enough of this little firecracker's on-screen enthousiasm. Viva La Eva-Lution!
USA born & bred of obvious asian decent, Kitty represents everything which I am usually NOT attracted to in terms of women & female performers. However, Kitty's unique looks make more than an impression, and rarely leave anyone without comment. Although not my prefered physical type, Kitty is a wonderful & truthful little sprite who's performances are almost as hard to track down as Carmen.
A french (parisian) asian-looking petite woman with a gorgeous face (nose, eyes) and killer "petite" body frame, Katsuni is well known to fans of asian women. She had to change her name recently due to a semi-scandal involving "non-porn civilians". Katsuni may appear small but her unbelievable antics and ability to perform what others refuse to do is enough to garantee her place amongst my treasured favorites!
9) Charmane Star
Looking like a mixture between asian and caucasian, Charmane is quite a beauty to behold! I first discoverd her in Jules Jordan productions such as "Flesh Hunter #5" and "Weapons Of @ss Destruction #3" for example, and was quickly hooked on her natural beauty. Friends of mine have also commented on how particularly apealing she is. I just wish there was more of her releases readilly available in Canada!
At first I was taken aback by her big and not-subtle tattoos, but then again I was always attracted to tattooed ladies myself. Then I began to follow her career more closely, ecery step making me appreciate this wonderful lady that much more. I even found myself attracted to her when she had a shaved head! Belladonna is also amongst the only female performers who make lesbian/girl on girl features watcheable by myself! Hail Belladonna!
11) Angela Crystal
I really don't know much about this blonde european import, except that she appears exclusively with her off-screen hubby in hetero scenes. Most of her available releases are USA products, and therefore not that difficult to track down. She's quite a beautiful woman for a blone (I don't usually go for blondes), and I keep hoping she'll eventually pair up with other studs in the industry like Peter North or Jules Jordan.
12) Lyla Lei
Here is another asian-like cutey whom I fell in "love" the first time I laid eyes upon her. Although to many, her features aren't "traditionally" asian enough, but to a guy like myself, her unique look is what attracted me to her in the first place! She has a beautiful face (I love her eyes and nose!) and she has a natural flair to her performances. I do hope she will stay active in the adult biz for years to come!
13) Sabrina Maui
Here is a particular asian beauty who originally did not tickle my fancy, until I saw a blistering scene opposite Jules Jurdan in "Flesh Hunter #4". After that scene I was hooked, as Sabrina wasn't just a beautiful asian woman, but delivered very heated performances, enough to make sure she would have a special place reserved in my DVD collection. Scope out any of her releases should you require any proof!
14) Crystal Rae
Although I am usually not attracted to blondes, and particularly not to the Californian type, Crystal Rae is the exception to that rule. Her long legs, beautiful face (nose, eyes) and easy going attitude won me over the first few times I actually took the time to watch her perform. I used to get her mixed up with Cindy Crawford and Lauren Phoenix, but after a few choice viewings of her performances, the similarities ended.
15) Lauren Phoenix
I guess I fell for this beauty when I discovered two facts about her: a) she is Canadian (from Alberta), and b) she's 5'11" tall! Her natural beauty assures her regular appearances in various releases from almost all producers/distributors, and her on-screen presence is quite a force to be reckoned with! Pick up any title available out there and chances are she'll be in at least once scene. I hope Lauren will remain active for many years to come!
16) Lucy Lui
She's actually known as Lucy Lee, but there is also another Lucy Lee, a european brunette caucasian, with whom one can easily get confused! Lucy Lui has a very asian look to her, and quite a particular one which may proove hit or miss to some, but deffinatly works for me! She's an energetic performer who rarely flinches at anything her co-stars throw at her! Hope she stays active for years to come!
17) Avena Lee
This very pretty asian-looking lady is often billed as part latina, which adds to the confusion of trying to hunt down her releases on DVD. Good thing she is not known under various other pseudonymns, only Avena Lee, and she is difficult to forget. I first noticed her through various pictures & short clips on the internet, and she slowly creeped up a couple of notches in my favorites after seeing her in those "Deep Throat This" DVD titles
18) Katja Kassin
This gorgeous german import is the perfect example of what I look for in a prefered performer; natural breasts, bubbly butt, beautiful face, and a no-hold-barred attitude during her on-screen performances! Her profesionalism and personnae come off on screen with her ease & comfort in from of a camera. I once heard she said that bubble butts like hers weren't appreciated in her German homeland, which makes me wonder how could anyone not appreciate her! She's quite simply GREAT!
19) Arianna Jolle
One of the first ever trully "nasty" brunettes I recall noticing upon my return into porndom; Arianna isn't just another run-of-the-mill brunette, she's an energetic, strong attitude filth talking beauty who does everything you can think of, and then some. I love the way she always seems to take charge of the situation during her scenes. How often can you trully say that the woman was in total control of the G-B she's appearing in? You gotta love her!
20) Rita Faltoyano
At first I wasn't sure about this naturally beautiful (& "bountyfull" !) european lady. But after a few samplings of a handful of scenes, Rita quickly became one of my prefered european imports. Catch her in Zero Tolerance releases for her american material, or her previous efforts under the PRIVATE line, where she prooved she had everything it took to become a major star in the buisness! I hope she stays active for many coming years!
Listening To: Panasonic "KESTO" 4-disc CD album
It's amazing what you can remember sometimes. Considering I can barely rememeber what I did last week, last month, last year.. remembering something in such vivid detail from when I was around 2 years old is fuckin' amazing. But it's also one of those important moments in life, where something happens that really defines a part of who you are; a part that will stay with you and never change. It's like, you have your life before this one moment, and your life after this one moment.
I'm willing to bet not too many 2 year olds have had many of those.
Despite all the bullshit that I was put through with my parents, there's one thing that I have to give them credit for, and that's never lying to me and teaching me how bad lying was. I was never told about santa claus or the easter bunny or the tooth fairy or any of that shit; I was very much grounded in reality from day 1 when it came to all the bullshit people tell kids to give them some "magic" in their childhood.
when I was 2-3 years old (though probably closer to 2) my mother was back working and my dad worked also, and rather than send me off to strangers to be babysat, my grandmother (father's mother) would babysit me every day. She'd taught me to read by the time I was 2, and not just kids books, I could read the newspaper (though I had to ask what a lot of words were, and didn't always understand the stories, I could read most of the words)
So, she wanted to move me on to something else to read, which she figgured was something better suited to a young child, and that was the bible. I remember her reading to me every day parts from her little leather-bound bible with those ultra-thin gold-edged pages.
Then we got to jesus, and the miracles he performed. I specifically remember the one about how he spit in the dirt to make some mud, rubbed it on the eyes of a blind man, and it made him see again. I remember asking my grandmother how that was possible, and why don't people do that for everyone that was blind, and she answered with the typical "god works in mysterious ways" crap that really means "well, I don't know, but the bible says it so it must be true".
I remember asking a lot of questions about the god, jesus, and the miracles that could be preformed, and asking why, if god loved us so much, doesn't he just make everyone better and just remove dissease and blindness and things like that from existance, and the answeres just didn't make sense.
That's the distinct moment that I knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that religion and the concept of an all-knowing, all-loving, caring god was a complete crock of shit, and that god was just santa claus for adults who are too old to believe in imaginary friends.
is it supposed to be like my journal...or shit that people actually care about? I wish I wasn't so technologically retarded...anyway until I learn any better I'm gonna treat it like my journal
Feb. 7th, 2008
Ran into Byren today outside of McGill, had a classic "Adrianna" moment that I must remember. Kinda went like this:
what are you doing here, please dear mother of Christ tell me you don't go to McGill
-No, got a job as a mail courrier, you?
I'm comming back from seeing my psychiatrists (grins)
-Really, I didn't know there were any around here
Yes, there are and and and they give you these little sheets of paper (shower him paper) with stuff written on them ....and then you can bring them to da counter ....and gets the pills, knee he he he (the the paper flew away in an insane updraft like 30 feet in the air) and I had to run through the snow after it yelling "ooooo my gawwd....laughing....oooo nooo....fuck....and some more oooo my gaaawwwdds) So yeah, if you were outside McGill today and saw some weird pink hair creature running around screaming...that was me ..and the green haired creature pointing and laughing was Byren
....anyway I feel sorry for the people who had to witness that....beyond that..the day was pretty un-remarkable
Listening To: clanging keyboard
Allow please a few moments verbal vomit.
I have been off the site for awhile...bad paranoia....
I feel like I have had little relief fom incredible tension lately, I feel like a spring getting more and more tightly colied. I feel as though everything going on is leading to....something.....I'm waiting I final peak...a screaming cosmic orgasm.At this point the tension is so bad that I no longer care weather the final moments are good or bad I high or a low....a great view or a miserable cold roll over cold stone on the other side. I don't sleep, barely eat,my mind a buzz until it shuts down in exhaustion and refuses further imput.Work, Home, Family, Husband, I am waiting some sort of resolution in utter chaos.
In times past when 'the life' winds up like a hyper kid with pixie stixz, I would just party, that action alone would relive the tension just enough to be bareable, survivable...now each night out, great drug,or buzz high is excrutiatingly less satisfying, harder to achive. I'm a junkie with no real drug, calm is my fix. A night out now feels like a great lie, or denial. Watching the colourful flames or a chemical warehouse fire while the toxic smoke fills the air above you. Filters into your lungs like enhacement drug ads through your spam blocker....where is my computer crash??Final Moment? Pointe Fini? When will this chaos reach it's towering peak so that I may begin my decent? To the valley of Eden. The the edge of hell. How I long for tranquility and resolution!
Thanks for the moments all.
Listening To: The swell of tides...Tsunami...
Wouldn't you know it. Although I am a male brought up in the world between the later part of the 20th century, and finding it difficult to adjust to the post Y2K modernistic selfishism of today's individualistic society, I am still considered a human male in the modern world.
So in normal circumstances, I should be a "standard model" male human; into sports, blondes, cars, and card games with other males of my species. But that couldn't be further away from the truth. Allow to explain:
1- I hate sports due to the fact I was psychologically scarred at a very young age by being constantly bullied by jocks throughout my formative years. I also can't watch sports on TV; I find it very boring.
2- I don't go for blondes; granted they often are easier to pin point in a crowd, but I usually prefer brunettes & redheads. I've always prefered Tiffany Mynx over Jenna Jameson; no contest, no competition.
3- I'm not much into cars because urban assault vehicles turn human beings into crazed selfish impatient murderous people feeding upon rage and pedestrians' pain. Transportation is important but not to the point of pedestrian destruction & resources depletion.
4- I enjoy the occasional card game but to be honest, if I want to "bond" with fellow human males, there are numerous other more productive ways to do so.
Maybe that's why I don't go for the typical male's prefered hollywood actresses, like Cameron Diaz, or Hillary Duff or whoever. Even Angelina Jolie has become too thin for my personnal tastes. Give me a Jessica Alba over Angelina any day!
But perhaps my true failing involves un-typical hollywood actress Christina Ricci. Sure we remember her pre-teen flicks such as "Mermaids", "Casper" and those "Addams Family" blockbusters. Even at that young age, she showed talent which made her stand out of her same-aged peers.
Now that she's all grown up, she's become what I consider to be one of Hollywood's best underused secret weapons. She has a knack for making any role she sinks her teeth into her own, as well as being lucky enough to have landed trully choice roles; characters which aren't "user friendly" for any female lead to be able to portray with consistency and accuracy.
Plus she's also my prefered physical type. Or at least she was, since I haven't seen anything she's appeared in that was released after 2006. But in those Y2K releases, her charms worked like a charm on me, making me actually feel weaker in the leg area, and I more often than not found myself rewinding parts of the movie since I wouldn't have paid attention to the story's development; mesmerized by Ms. Ricci's captivating beauty.
I recently found in the $5 bin at a local mega store(*) the Wes Craven film "Cursed" where dear Christina plays the lead role... and much to my satisfaction, she appears as beautiful as ever, never having to resort to wearing skimpy outfits nor swimsuits; in fact Ms. Ricci seems to be dressed as "normal" as possible for her role in "Cursed", much to my delight. Why you ask?
Because I found myself pleasantly surprised to not having fallen into the stereotypical gimmicks of what typical human males react to what society dictates is "sexy". Don't get me wrong, "pink underwear works" and all that, but to me, Christina Ricci wearing jeans & a T-shirt is so much more sexy than Cameron Diaz frolicking around in a bikini. At least Christina's got curved.
This should be a good enough introduction to why I have fallen in "love" with Christina Ricci. I must admit I never bothered to give her a second glance in "that" way until I saw her small part in Terry Gilliam's "Fear & Loathing In Las Vegas". After that I realised the little child actress was grow up, and my "feelings" towards her were beginning to change. I began following her career more seriously, enjoying her more mature performances.
Today, she's right up there with Salma Hayek and Jessica Alba in my top sexiest female Hollywood talent. The difference is that Christina, unlike her counterparts, doesn't necessarly fit into the typical Hollywood stereotypes of what a modern female should look like in order the please the masses. Plus it isn't just her unique looks which have caught my "attention", but her own unique career moves & choices which make me respect her even more.
Listening To: Panasonic "KESTO" 4-CD album (box set)